Fits and Misses

Punk rock was my first love. 

Well, my very first love was Bridget Michele on Rags to Riches.

But she had eyes for someone else. 

Punk rock was my first true love.

It accepted me for the weirdo I seemed to be, and whisked me away from the mediocrity of my practically-suburban Philly neighborhood…

At least 1-2 minutes at a time. 

Even now, when punk rock tunes only make up a fraction of everything I’m listening to, so much of my musical education stems from my original exposure to punk.

It’s the eternal reference for me.

As a teenager, a major source for the classic punk stuff was via old LPs and 7-inches that I would buy for a dollar or two at a local record shop in Northeast Philly:

Record Castle.

Now closed, of course.

These would often be beat-up old things from the 80s, and I’d take them home and play them on a record player that my parents had since at least the 70s.

The player ran just fine, but the sound was pretty wonky.

And let’s not forget that the stuff I’d be playing was itself often recorded by amateurs with crappy equipment.

I learned so much from listening to those scratched up records through old tinny speakers.

One thing it seems I didn’t learn so well, however, was the actual lyrics to a lot of the songs.

Years later, I bought a Misfits CD box set, since it included some stuff that I didn’t have, and it was nice to get most of their songs in one collection.

One other thing this box set included that I did not have was a lyric sheet for their songs.

And reading that thing was just the weirdest experience for me.

From the very first track on the comp, “She,” I found that I had been dead wrong for most of the lines. I used to sing:

“She walked into the asylum
Heiress of the world
She’s got a machete
She’s her daddy’s girl”

The Misfits’: “She,” Lyrical Interpretation by Phylum Of Alexandria

But it’s actually:

What the hell? No machete? What is this song?

Okay. What about “I Turned Into a Martian?” I was generally better at this one – possibly because the title pretty much spells out the premise. But still, I had been singing:

“I walk down city streets 
On an unsuspecting human world
And humans end in fits
This world the Martians overcome”

The Misfits’: “I Turned Into a Martian,” Enhanced AND POSSIBLY IMPROVED Lyrics by Phylum Of Alexandria

Grammatically suspect, I know. But have you ever seen Glen Danzig? 

Have you heard the lyrics to “Attitude?” He sings “inside your feeble brain there’s probably a hole.” Not exactly Oscar Wilde. 

…Wait, it’s actually “a whore” in the feeble brain? Well jeez, that only reinforces my point even more.

But alas, the real ‘Martians’ stanza is:

Okay, that one makes a little more sense than mine. Good job, Glen.

Well, at least I can rest easy, since my absolute favorite line ever from a Misfits song has got to be intact, right?

You know, the one where Glen opens up this vicious thrashcore track with one of the most insane attempts at intimidation ever:

Let’s take a look…

“LOOK UPON ME! I AM A BEE!”

Demonomania!

That’s the one!

… Well, you probably know where this is going.

But I won’t tell you what he actually wrote. You can look it up if you’d like to know, of course.

But if instead you’d like to live in a world where this hulking ball of testosterone actually shouts “LOOK UPON ME! I AM A BEE!” with all the anger and defiance of a Spartan warrior, I will allow you to hold onto that image.

Because that line is PUNK AS DUCK.

The end.

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