When we asked the community here to pick a Billboard Number One Hit that deserved higher praise from the critics that you believe it received, I had many, many songs in mind that I might have the opportunity to review.
Of the songs I had in mind, “Wedding Bell Blues” was not one of them.
And I would argue, for good reason:
I have literally never heard this song before.
Yes, this outs me as a “cafeteria style” Stereogum – The Number Ones archival reader.
“And, by the way young man: don’t even think of giving me that, ‘Gee, I must have forgotten my lunch money’ line again.”
I feel the need to explain myself, so here in brief, is the story:
I discovered Stereogum’s The Number Ones column when its author, Tom Breihan, was covering the late 1970s. I really enjoyed the columns, which at the time were coming out daily, and I ended up enjoying the comments section even more.
(Fun fact for n00bs to this website:
“The Number Ones” + “Comments Section” = TNOCS).
It was all too much to just jump into the comments. What I did instead was go back in virtual time, and read all the entries for the songs I knew, and skipping over all the songs I didn’t – this in the interest of catching up as soon as possible to experiencing the column in real-time.
To be fair to me, I haven’t done cafeteria style since the late 70s – I’ve read every article ever since initially stumbling across the column.
And I eventually got up the guts to introduce myself to the TNOCS community in the very late virtual 80s.
Atta boy.
Yes, it took a virtual decade to introduce myself to the community. Nobody who knows me would accuse me of being shy, but I think the facts speak for themselves.
OK! Now that I’ve expertly explained away any reasons for contempt 🙂,
…shall we get on with it?
The Friday Flash “Gut Take” Review
For those of you who know how I approach reviews of The Number Ones:
You know that I step way back and think about how each song I review relates to the other Number Ones – competition-style.
And I do my level best not to let my personal preferences impact the scoring. I attempt to be as objective as possible. But “as possible” is a crucial modifier. Which is why I brand my Number One reviews “Semi-arbitrary:” because that’s exactly what they are. I’m only human (on most days), after all.
To accomplish this feat of semi-arbitrariness, I break down songs into their core components, which you will see below in the “deep dive” section.
But I’m also super-transparent that I have personal feelings as well, and the “gut take” here is just that: my unvarnished personal opinion of the song, which I think has limited value, but, hey, some people are curious.
I say all this because I think I might be disappointing all the folks who felt “Wedding Bell Blues” didn’t get a fair shake by the critics.
I actually think the critics were pretty spot-on: this is simply not an impressive song. It’s fine, but, to me, it’s slightly overbearing musical filler.
It’s the musical equivalent of slightly burnt toast: sure, eating slightly burnt toast is better than being hungry I suppose.
But it’s not like you wish the toast were a little less burnt and a little more tasty, right?
Right. I’m having The Slightly Burnt Toast Blues, baby:
In-a-Flash score: 3 2/10
{read through to the very end to see why this ended up being a 2/10…}
The Friday Flash “Deep Dive” Review
OK. Now that my gut take is outed and I presume greeted by a series of heads shaking side to side in disappointment – hopes and dreams dashed and all that… let’s see how “Wedding Bell Blues” stands up to more objective scrutiny. Perhaps there’s something here that my gut is missing. I’m very open to that.
Production: 3/10
On the one hand, this song did come out in 1969. Production was different back then than it is now. This must be taken into account. On the other hand, you know what else hit Number One in 1969?
- Tommy James and the Shondells’ “Crimson and Clover”
- Sly & the Family Stone’s “Everyday People”
- The Beatles’ “Get Back” AND “Come Together”
- Steam’s “Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye”
- and Marvin Gaye’s “I Heard It Through The Grapevine.”
All of these songs about as old as I am. So clearly they aren’t at the pinnacle of production prowess. But by comparing apples-to-apples, I think we can probably agree that “Wedding Bell Blues” is a bit, err, traditional-harkening-back-to-Big-Band, in comparison.
Honestly, the intro had me thinking it was going to be the intro to a Sesame Street bit!
Outside of that potential humiliation, there’s really nothing at all original, interesting, or compelling here to speak of relative to its peers.
Songwriting/melody: 5/10
This starts out as basically a cut/paste of the production story. Compared to its Number One contemporaries at the time, “Wedding Bell Blues” songwriting essentially pales in comparison. That said, within this paling in comparison, there’s a nice melody in the…verses?
Honestly, this song structure confuses me. The verses and the chorus appear to meld together – which I think is actually a good thing.
At the very least, it’s interesting. The song ends up being one, strung-out, mildly enjoyable melody with very little clearly-distinctive structure to it. Interesting! Redemption of some lost points accrued.
Vocals: 3/10
Unfortunately, the lead singer Marilyn McCoo sounds like she has “OMG I have a mic in front of me, I must sing!” syndrome, which doesn’t wear well. She sounds like she’s just belting the words for our sake, and not even thinking about what these words actually are supposed to mean to the listener.
She also sounds like she’s a show-tune gal, singing a show-tune, which might be what some people wanted from pop music in 1969.
But looking at the surrounding Number Ones, it’s clear that this was a sunsetting vibe in an era of pretty interesting vocal performances
Lyrics: 1/10
I’ve recently been watching a super-weird show on Amazon Prime TV called “Patriot.” If you like off-kilter shows that explore new ways to tell stories that explore the possibilities at the intersection of drama, comedy, cringe, and thriller, definitely put this show on your watchlist.
One of the many, many entertaining-yet-cringe facets of this show is a dynamic between two characters: Leslie Claret and Tom Avner.
These two, for reasons that are as troubling to ascertain as they are indicative of psychic stress, prefer to refer to each other by first name in every single sentence they utter to each other.
Every conversation between them involves way-too-many utterances of the words “Tom” and “Leslie” to the point of comedic-cringe overload.
So, imagine your name is, say, “Bill.“
And that your girlfriend knows you pretty well. In fact, she knew you so well that she wanted to marry you. And then imagine that if you, Bill…
…were to decide to marry her; that you, Bill, would be hearing your name, Bill, in every single utterance that your wife would ever utter, Bill, for the rest of your days. Just to ensure, y’know BILL, that you were aware that she was addressing you in particular, BILL.
This is OK for “Patriot,” because its done with purposeful intent for max comedic cringe.
But it’s absolutely not OK for “Wedding Bell Blues,” because it’s pretty clear that max comedic cringe was not the purposeful intent.
Ear Worminess: 4/10
This is a tough one because there’s a lot of melody here flowing to-and-fro. And there is a semblance of a windy earworm somewhere in the song, because vague things about the song are floating through my head well after listening to it.
But there’s no specific thing.
It’s almost like my mind took the entire song, compressed it into a zip file, and that zip file in my brain is leaking out some earworm juice.
But it’s vague and compressed and not specific. So this song definitely deserves some points here – but I think it doesn’t quite meet average for its class.
OFFICIAL FFR SCORE: 3.2…
rounds its way down to: a 3/10
TL;DR:
Truth be told, I was secretly hoping that the deep dive analysis would drive this song’s score up a point or two beyond my gut just to prove that my gut doesn’t drive the semi-arbitrary analysis. But, here we are: a score that I feel does befit this song. The deep dive exposed why it’s not even a 4/10: overbearing, context-free vocals and frankly cringe-worthy lyrics.
The more I think about it, actually, the more I think a 3/10 might even be a bit generous. This song makes me realize that I would never want to be this guy Bill if this lady ended up marrying him.
Unless this was the purposeful intent of this song, which I sincerely doubt, I see this as an abject failure of a song.
With this realization, I’m retroactively downgrading my “gut take” to:
A 2/10.
That’s right. It’s worse than Slightly Burnt Toast. Thanks to the lyrics alone, it’s Inedible Burnt Toast.
When this happens, you toss that toast away.
Cheers!
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Allow me to quote myself from the mothership’s comment section: “I was in junior high when this was a hit and my girlfriend would sing this constantly. I felt I had to remind her that we were 11 and it was far too soon to consider marriage. Somehow, she didn’t see my clear-eyed, well-reasoned, practicality as romantic, though I’m sure that had nothing to do with why we broke up before ninth grade.”
So you could say I know this song well. I didn’t like it at the time, and still makes me cringe a little, but I like the production, vocals, and even the lyrics a whole lot more than you do. I think I’d give it 7 and, having a quick look at the spreadsheet, TNOCS voters gave it a 7, too.
On the bright side, Marilyn McCoo and Billy Davis, Jr. have been married for over 50 years now. So I guess the song worked for someone.
As one who got his fair share of teasing when Rickie Lee Jones had her Top 10 moment, I have some empathy for V-dog and the other Bills of the world regarding this hit.
Nonetheless, I like it, and thought Tom’s 3 was too harsh. Thus, I’m disappointed to see the Flash score even lower. Regardless, I appreciate knowing all of what went into it.
I’d give it between a 6 and a 7. It’s not rock, by a long shot. That means nothing to me, but I think it does to some folks. (Tom, for one, never misses an opportunity to use adult contemporary as shorthand for schlocky or bad.) Yes, Marilyn declaims, a lot, on this song. But I think her vocals and the production fit each other, and quite pleasantly.
I realized when reading it that I missed an opportunity to take up for our beloved Xanadu charttopper from Ms. Newton-John. But I’m sure she’ll get her chance at some point. Hopefully, she’ll get more than the 3 Tom gave her. We’ll just have to see.
Full transparency: the category was explicitly picked with the belief that the #JusticeForMagic movement would be instantly activated.
Alas, no such luck for ONJ or for moi!
See, next time you’ve got to take a hint from mt58 and be super-specific with the category. Like, “Number One hits that have the word ‘Magic’, ‘Penny’, or ‘Lane’ in the title”.
Who’s making fun of you in regards to RLJ? I will absolutely roast them in return!
Oh … and thank you for not doing a column on either “You’re Having My Baby” or “My Ding-a-Ling,” two of the few Number Ones I have no problem giving 1’s to. Have a good weekend!
Don’t thank me! I have no say in the matter. The “bit” here is that, just like at the Mother Ship, I literally no say in what I review. It’s all in the TNOCS.com community’s hands!
The former is a 1 with pathos, though.
Absolutely agree with “My Ding-a-Ling”.
One interpretation.
No subtext.
No pathos.
This is my first time hearing the song as well, and I like it a good deal more than you, it seems!
It sounds to me like an audiophile wonderland version of “My Guy,” something Phil Spector might do in collaboration with the Zombies. And the 5th Dimension!
It’s not nearly as catchy or as memorable as “My Guy.” And it’s no “My Ding-a-ling.” But it’s a pleasant enough balm after a busy week.
Happy Weekend All!
Trust me: I would far, far prefer to be the Chief Redemption Officer for besmirched Number Ones.
I was disappointed that I was unable to achieve this objective. But I need to be straight with my readers: this is really not about my tastes as much as it is that this song doesn’t feel nearly as interesting or as relevant to the current or future state of pop music in 1969 as many of its contemporaries. It feels like a throwback with some really, really annoying lyrics and a one-trick-pony vocal performance.
I know. Ouch.
I’m sorry.
No reason to apologize. You get the bit, play it fair, and soldier on – even when you’re not a fan of the record. Which is exactly why the whole thing is fun for everyone.
BTW, Elmo’s attorney is on the phone. Something about a deposition…
😂
I do not like Marilyn McCoo’s singing. She exudes artificiality and insincerity. She always sounds like she’s trying way too hard to sound like what she thinks people want her to sound like.
Also, I implore anyone who likes odd but excellent prestige TV to give “Patriot” a shot. It’s absolutely a trip.
Wholeheartedly agree on Patriot, it gets a 10 from me. The whole thing is like a lived through fever dream for the main character. Combines an overload of stress with espionage, the mechanics of the pipe industry, erratic and oddball characters and situations along with diversions into folk music.
I’d never heard this before either. Evidence that one person’s gold is another’s…… Well, lets just leave it there.
I’d probably go with a 4. The Bill thing does sound weird, it all sounds too needy, overdoing the attempt at a personal connection. I can see why Bill is having difficulty committing.
How about a perspective from someone who heard this song plenty in the few years after it hit Number One?
My parents liked pop music that was tuneful and well-produced but with a bit of soul and longing, so the 5th Dimension’s Greatest Hits joined our record collection within a year or two of “Wedding Bell Blues” being a hit. I was not a big fan of the record in general – “Up, Up and Away” always seemed pudding-headed, and I recoiled from the obvious crowd-pleasing antics of “Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In.”
Compared to the singers on our other records, Marilyn McCoo was unbearably stiff and stagy – I still like to refer to her as the least funky singer this side of Melissa Manchester. The backing tracks, too, seemed cute and showy – I know that it’s The Wrecking Crew, but they never sounded more ready for Vegas (I needed TLeo to praise Joe Osborne’s loping bass on “Let the Sunshine In” to appreciate it).
“Wedding Bell Blues” is different, and to get it, you have to understand Laura Nyro. She was a hot singer-songwriter for a few years, recording acclaimed but poor-selling records while being covered for major hits by Three Dog Night, Barbara Streisand, and most frequently by the 5th Dimension.
Nyro was a child of the Bronx, Jewish with a tinge of Italian. Her songs were a unique blend of Broadway, Gilbert & Sullivan, and tambourine-shaking revival blues. The songs were a little weird – sophisticated wordiness centered on earthy themes of sex, marriage, and drinking, bluesy melodies and chords layered with various vocal parts and with unconventional structures.
Nyro belonged to a common archetype, the smart, anxiety-ridden goofball. You could feel she was creating her own world with these fantasies. Sometimes she made up words – “Can you surry, can you picnic/Come on, let’s surry down…,” she wrote in “Stoned Soul Picnic,” the 5th Dimension’s first Nyro hit, and no, surry wasn’t a slang for anything except what rattled around in Nyro’s mind. All in all, you get the feeling she was the nerdy girl who tried too hard to ingratiate herself to those around her. I’m not the only person to find that aspect occasionally charming – listen to Todd Rundgren’s “We Gotta Get You a Woman,” and you hear a blatant tribute to Nyro.
Unfortunately, I’m also not the only person to find her singing annoying – mannered in tone, frequently flat in pitch. It made her perfect for covers by other acts trying to make the transition from corny to AM-radio friendly. Barbara Streisand’s “Stoney End” introduced her to the rock audience, while “Eli’s Coming” joined Three Dog Night’s string of hits. “Wedding Bell Blues” joined two songs about summer inebriation (“Stoned Soul Picnic” and “Sweet Blindness”) in the 5th Dimension’s hit parade.
According to Wikipedia, Laura Nyro wrote this song about an affair her mother had with a married man whose name was William. It was a scandalous, trouble-making thing for the young girl to do, but her lack of discretion was largely unknown until McCoo sang the song at her own non-committal fiance, Billy Davis, Jr.
Straights Trying to Be Hip is one of my favorite genres of that era’s music, and this is one of the Firth Dimension’s best examples, with another strong track being their original pre-Brooklyn Bridge version of JImmy Webb’s “The Worst That Could Happen.” That song, which was about a man who’s in love with a woman marrying another man, was sung by Billy Davis. There didn’t seem to be any personal drama relevant to my favorite 5th Dimension hit, Bacharach and David’s “One Less Bell to Answer,” which also uses McCoo’s uptight vocal style effectively.
Although I understand why you graded the way you did, I’d bump up most of the scores while admitting that there’s not much in the way of earworminess (although I imagine a country full of young women loudly singing, “Please marry me insert name here!”). Although the music and the pre-women’s-lib sentiments are corny and old-fashioned, I like the sincere sentiment enough to give the song an 8.
Thank you for allowing me to get carried away, Jon!
What?! No mention of “And When I Die”? Blood Sweat and Tears version is a big time 10 for me.
And thanks for the Nyro primer. I don’t know her story as well as I should.
I knew I was missing one!
Laura Nyro chat. I almost missed it.
That Sweet Honey in the Rocks cover is amazing, but is sounds less like a cover than an original song.
Never heard that before. I’m sure Nyro would have loved it.
I went into this review with zero knowledge of Nyro. I’m pretty certain that if I came into this knowing her as well as you did, my “gut” take would have been higher, but I actually hope that my more analytical take would remain the same.
I saw the title and didn’t think I knew the song. Then I listened and I was like, I totally know this song. I would’ve assumed the song was named “Marry Me, Bill.”
Anyway, I’d give it a 7 or an 8… good nostalgia from my parents’ musical wheelhouse. The 5th Dimension will always be “Up Up and Away” and “Aquarius / Let the Sunshine In” in my mind.
And Marilyn McCoo will always be the host of Solid Gold in my mind. I watched SG religiously back when it was big and I was a kid. I was so excited to see artists I liked lip syncing their hits with cheesy 80’s interpretive dancing in the foreground.
Solid Gold. Had zero idea what Marilyn McCoo or Rex Smith’s connection to the music biz was. Music. Dance. Puppet show. Who could ask for anything more?
It was probably watching Dexy’s Midnight Runners on SNL when I figured out for myself the difference between lip-synching and live was. I’m a fan, but Rowland sounded like a wounded animal.
I feel like I always thought the song was a little tongue in cheek. She’s not trying to convince anyone she’s actually sad… she’s having fun singing to her bandmate and future husband. The whole thing is sung with a smile.
For me it’s a feel good song that reminds me of my childhood AM radio listening days. It’s an 8 for me.
I never had childhood AM radio listening days, as my parents were classical music nazis who never let me listen to anything but classical music. I come to most music pre-80s with virtually no childhood bias, for better and for worse.
“I never had childhood AM radio listening days…”
I’m genuinely sad reading this. Some of my most vivid musical memories are about listening to the radio.
I hope that your FFRs and Spontaneous Reviews compensate in some way.
I remember having friends like this in elementary school. I always knew that I would not be this way from an early age.
Similarly, I had a neighbor with a flawless stereo and pristine records. Whenever his son and i wanted to listen to any of them, it had to be when his parents weren’t home and we had to sneak to listen. I knew that I would never be this way, too. I always wanted my kids to have free reign to my music. I would rather have some damaged music that have pristine records and kids that felt cheated out of music.
Weird, but I consciously made both of those decisions at a very young age.
I’ve never posted here, but Laura Nyro is probably my favorite female artist of all time, so I have to disagree heartily, particularly as to the songwriting component. The hit version was obviously the first one I heard, and I heard it many times on the radio so I’m really surprised that you hadn’t. I wound up liking Nyro’s original better (it’s an easy 10 for me, as are several other songs on her first album), but I do like McCoo’s singing (even more on “One Less Bell to Answer”), do find it to be invested with emotion, and would be happy to listen to the hit version any day.
I’m also kind of surprised you would give a 3, let alone a 2, to a song with an “enjoyable melody.” For me to give a 2 or 3 to a song with an enjoyable melody would mean 1) the lyrics are a Nazi chant; 2) it’s being played by fifth graders who just learned the song an hour ago; 3) background singers are chanting ooga chaka (or “dirty bit”) throughout the song.
Great to see you here in the comments, Adam!
Glad to see you here, AdaminPhilly.
The funny thing about the 1 to 10 scale is how differently people treat it. After doing the TNOCS poll for a couple years now, I see that some people treat it as a scale of degrees and others treat is as binary, giving songs either a 1 or a 10 and nothing in-between. I think Tom B. says he reserves 1s for songs that are truly offensive, otherwise he won’t go lower than a 2.
So even as we us the 1 to 10 scale as a way to describe our feelings about music scientifically, we don’t even agree on how the scale works. It’s still fun though.
It’s true what you say. I rarely give any song in the various polls lower than a 4, and virtually never lower than 3, because I mentally reserve those ratings mostly for songs that have almost no redeeming features and therefore don’t become hits. A one or two would be actively grating, a song that I would never listen to even if I were on a desert isle for years with only that music available.
So, I don’t have a hard-and-fast scale to share, but here’s a broad outline of what’s what when I rate a song via a deep-dive analysis:
1-2: Bottom Tier. The song just isn’t competitive in virtually all dimensions of a song. A 1/10 has virtually no redeeming qualities (but it has nothing to do with “offensive” as this is a very personal thing). A 2/10 is basically a 1/10 with maybe a glimmer of hope that is squashed by everything else.
3-4: Below Average: The song is OK but it significantly lacks in usually more than one dimension, making the song simply subpar but for some people they can clearly look past certain demerits so the song may be fine for them.
5: Average: The song is fine. It may exceed expectations in certain dimensions and let down in others, but it’s on-par for most songs released. Some might even say it’s “good” but few would say it’s “bad” or “great.”
6: Above Average: It’s mostly average, but brings something special and cool to the table that bumps it up a level beyond the norm.
7-8: Clearly Above Average: Very few aspects, if any, are average or below average. Most dimensions are really hitting things well, and the song stands above most songs. Most people would say that this is either a “really good” or “great” song. A 7 is on the low-end of this and an 8 is on the high end of this.
9: Clearly Superior: It hits on all cylinders: the production, the vocals, the lyrics, the hook, the songwriting… it all gels into this wonderful work of art that, for many people, is an absolute joy to listen to, and could even bring in some existential feelings.
10: One For The Ages: An enduring song that not only does everything right, but does it right in ways that make it a song that many people will never forget, always treasure, and it probably made a mark on the industry as well…perhaps even setting new trends or directions for future music of its ilk.
Hi Adam! I am equally pleased and bummed that my review inspired you to finally post here.
Pleased: I shared something that inspired you to share your closely held beliefs and feelings. I love this.
Bummed: That what I shared bothered you so much that it pushed you out of lurking mode.
I have always respected your POV Adam, so I don’t think it makes a lot of sense to debate the merits/demerits of our respective takes. But allow me to share the following in response to your thoughtful comments:
I hope this at least makes sense, even if you are shaking your head in furious disagreement still!
PS – fun fact: “ooga chaka” backing vocals isn’t as much of a demerit for me as it may be for you!
My only comment is that I thought this was a great song before I ever heard of Laura Nyro. I thought the Barbra Steisand version of “Stoney End” was great too. At some point I noticed the songwriting credits, but I only listened to her other songs after a late-night deejay played “Timer” and possibly some other songs of hers.
I try to keep empathy (or disgust) toward the performer out of my ratings. “Ignition (Remix)” is exactly as good a song as it was when I didn’t know how evil R. Kelly was. And my appreciation and respect for Prince doesn’t keep me from thinking “When Doves Cry” is a dull song. (Same with the Beatles and “Blue Jay Way,” their least listenable track in my opinion and probably the only one I’d rank below 5.)
Hey, AdaminPhilly! Like you, it takes a pretty intensely bad song for me to rate it lower than a 4. I have given very, very few of those on the mothership. But I know that some of our ratings scales mean different things from one another.