The Hottest Hit On The Planet:
“Oh, Pretty Woman” by Roy Orbison
Or: Roy Orbison as Proto-Emo-Nice-Guy-Incel-Sex-Pest.
Roy Orbison was “A Nice Guy.” Roy Orbison had Nice Guy Syndrome. Roy Orbison was – probably – constantly being put in the “friend zone.”
In hit song after hit song, Roy was lonely and unlucky in love. Even when he was lucky in love – in “Running Scared” for example – Roy spent most of his time feeling paranoid that his girlfriend might leave him for someone who was far less of a dweeb. Only the lonely – dum dum dum, dum-dee-doo-wah– knew the way he felt. Judging by the number and size of Roy’s hits, there were a lot of lonely people out there.
But Roy Orbison was also a creepy guy on the prowl, loitering on the corner, hiding behind a bush, watching a woman from behind, grinning lecherously to himself.
If it not for the fact that Roy was such a nice guy, if not for the fact that Roy seemed completely harmless, if not for the fact that Roy was one of the most beloved pop figures of the post-rock’n’roll-explosion/pre-Beatles era, those first few seconds of the promo for “Oh, Pretty Woman” would hit very, very differently.
If not for the fact that it was Roy Orbison, you might feel a little concerned for Pretty Woman’s welfare.
If it was just those couple of seconds at the beginning of the promo-video, it would be bad enough.
But Roy Orbison’s bad-boy behaviour gets worse! The next thing you know Roy Orbison is growling at her. “RAAAAWWWWRRRRR!!!!” he growls. Roy Orbison is a guy who growls at complete strangers as they walk past!
Roy Orbison was a guy who considered it socially acceptable to shout out to a woman – one whom he had never met before – affronting her with: “how about a smile, hey love?”
Roy Orbison was a guy who – if the fact that he just shrugs Pretty Woman’s rejection off and reassures himself that there’s always tomorrow night – behaves like this on a daily basis! Every night Roy Orbison is standing on this street corner, hiding behind this bush. Every night he’s going up to random strangers, trying out his foolproof pick-up line: “RAAAWWWRRRR!!!!”
And yet, such was Roy’s shy, bumbling and harmless persona – established over many years of shy, bumbling and harmless heartbroken ballads – that we have all unanimously agreed that this sort of bad-boy behaviour was entirely acceptable!
To a certain extent, it’s the very disparity between everything that we thought we knew about Roy on the one hand, and his local-Lothario character in “Oh, Pretty Woman!” on the other, that forms much of the song’s appeal.
We know that Roy is playing a character. We know that Roy is simply trying to imagine what it might be like, for one second, to be the local-Lothario. We know that Roy is simply taking his new, cool sunglasses out for a spin. Maybe it’s the sunglasses that have given Roy his new-found confidence!!
For the sunglasses were a new development.
Given that it is the sunglasses, more than anything else, that defined the Roy Orbison look, it’s curious to learn that for most of his early 60s hit-making run, Roy just wore normal, if extremely thick, Coke-bottle glasses, resulting in some distinctly un-rock’n’roll album covers.
The more enigmatic-looking sunglasses that we think of whenever we think of Roy only came at the very end of his hit-record making run. And the main reason that we think of sunglasses every time we think of Roy, is because of The Beatles.
Roy was flying over the Atlantic on his way to the UK to tour with The Beatles towards the end of the summer of ‘64 when he left his regular glasses on the plane.
But he did have his sunglasses, and thus was stuck wearing them, both night and day, all the way through his UK tour.
Back in the States, nobody had really taken Roy’s photo all that much. There weren’t really all that many music papers, and besides, Roy was a bit of a recluse. It’s not for nothing that when Melody Maker interviewed him – sad to say, he said nothing of note – they went with the headline “Mystery Man.”
But in Britain, the music press was a bunch of snap-happy paparazzi. Suddenly everyone was taking his photo.
This was least partially because he was so often standing next to a Beatle. And in all those photos, Roy wore “the sunglasses.”
When Roy put on those sunglasses, suddenly he became The Man!
Roy had been The Man previously, although very rarely. On “Working For The Man” for example, where Roy is slaving in the hot sun, doing some non-specified but extremely hard, manual labour. Roy has caught the bosses’ daughter’s eye, and Roy is so sure of himself that he imagines marrying the boss’s daughter simply so he can become a capitalist and gain control of the means of production.
None of which really suits Roy’s persona, which is perhaps why “Working For The Man” was one of Roy’s smallest hits (it’s pretty great though, it’s a 9)
But “Working For The Man” was not your typical Roy Orbison song. The typical Roy Orbison song either plummeted the depths of romantic despair – such as the single that came immediately before “Oh, Pretty Woman”, “It’s Over” (it’s a 10!) – or tumbled into nightmare surrealism, about a candy-coloured clown they called the Sandman, tiptoeing to Roy’s room, every night. Given his range of interests – not to mention his range of octaves – it should probably be no surprise that Roy is one of Robert Smith’s faves.
As all-powerful as Roy’s singing voice was, his speaking-voice was just a shy mumble.
Roy would mumble as he told the story of how he grew up in a small Texan town, a town that went by the adorably bashful name of Wink.
About how when he first started playing the guitar, he found his hands were too small and too weak and how sometimes he found himself cry-y-y-y-ing because the strings cut into his fingers. And sometimes he’d tell a Dad-joke – for Roy was a Dad by then; he had two sons, and he liked to wear cardigans – about how he initially went to university to study geology, but decided that instead of studying rocks he’d study ROCK!! Boom-tish!
But now Roy Orbison had his sunglasses. And, it appears, the sunglasses are working for him. Because Pretty Woman is turning around! Pretty Woman is strutting her stuff back to Roy!!
Has Roy’s approach actually worked? Has Roy seduced her with his “RAAAWWWWRRRRR”? Has he seduced her with his cool sunglasses? We are led to believe that… yes, he has!
Or has he?
It is not impossible that Pretty Woman has returned to slap Roy in the mouth, and demand that she be treated with some respect! Or to ask Roy if his mother knows that he’s out there, bothering women. It was, after all, 1964. “The Feminine Mystique” had been released the year before. The Second-Wave Of Feminism had begun!
It’s not entirely unfathomable that Pretty Woman had turned around for completely un-Roy related reasons. Maybe she realized she’d left the stove on. WE JUST DON’T KNOW!!!! We’re only seeing events through Roy’s eyes… and Roy’s eyesight, as his extensive collection of glasses attests, was not too good!
The story goes that Roy, and his song writing partner, Bill Dees were about to start writing a song, when Roy’s wife, Claudette,* comes in and tells Roy she’s going shopping.
Roy asks if she needs money. Bill makes some smart-arse comment about how a pretty woman never needs money, and… I’m sorry, but what the hell did Bill mean by that? That the greengrocer was just going to hand over free groceries? That the shoe retailer would just give her free shoes? That some other sex-pest would jump in and try to pay for her?
Or did Bill know something that Roy did not? Did Bill know that Claudette was having an affair?
Because, it turns out Claudette was having an affair! With the contractor of the mansion that Roy was having built for her!!
Roy would find about Claudette’s canoodling with the contractor just as “Oh, Pretty Woman” was racing up the charts. Just as he was returning home from touring with The Beatles. Just at the very moment when – what with his new confidence-enhancing sunglasses – he was finally looking cool. What a way to have the rug pulled out from under you!
Thus we uncover the deep irony of “Oh, Pretty Woman”, and of Roy’s entire narrative arc.
That Roy wrote most of his hit songs – songs that sound as though they were sourced from the deepest possible pits of despair – whilst he was a happily married man.
But, as soon as his imaginary pop star self finally got a happy ending with “Oh, Pretty Woman”, the real-life Roy found himself tumbling into the very pits of despair that he had only just written himself out of!
That’s a story even sadder than a Roy Orbison song.“Oh, Pretty Woman” is an 8.
*“Oh, Pretty Woman” wasn’t the first song Roy had written about Claudette. He had also written “Claudette”, although the Everly Brothers recorded that one, probably because it’s way too happy to be a Roy Orbison record.
Meanwhile, On The Biggest Riff On The Planet Land:
“You Really Got Me” by The Kinks
I’d like you to consider two questions:
- Was “You Really Got Me” by The Kinks the first heavy metal song?
- Does it make you want to drop your knickers?
Let’s address the first one first. Was “You Really Got Me” by The Kinks the first heavy metal song?
Some say it was. But that’s just crazy talk.
There is simply no way The Kinks could possibly have invented heavy metal. I mean, in a few short years they’d be singing folksy-vaudeville songs about preserving strawberry jam, appreciating custard pies, and saving little shops, China cups and virginity.
Regardless of whether “You Really Got Me” is heavy metal or not, you must admit, it does rock pretty hard.
But “You Really Got Me” didn’t always rock hard.
There are rumours of an earlier, far more polished version of “You Really Got Me”, recorded a couple of days earlier. A version that most decidedly did not rock. Allegedly. The Kinks have been so fastidious in removing any shameful evidence of this original recording that I can’t find it anywhere online.
This was a recording of “You Really Got Me” so shamefully lacking in rock that, as Dave Davies’ girlfriend put it at the time, it didn’t “make me want to drop my knickers.”
Somebody please give this girl a job in music criticism!
So obviously that version was out. There’s no point in releasing a version of “You Really Got Me” that doesn’t make your girlfriend want to drop her knickers.
Dave Davies decided that his dumb, thumping, Neanderthal monster riff required a kickass knicker-dropping sound.
vHe got so frustrated by the failure of his guitar to make an appropriately knicker-dropping sound that he took it out on his amplifier, attacking it with a razor blade and sticking a pin in it.
In case that wasn’t enough, everyone in the studio started kicking the amp whenever they walked past, gradually making it sound dirtier and dirtier and dirtier.
What you are hearing when you listen to the distorted wonder of “You Really Got Me” is the sound of some totally f*cked-up equipment.
What you are also hearing when you listen to “You Really Got Me” is the first non-Beatles song – possibly the only non-Beatles song – of the British Invasion to out-do The Beatles’ in terms of excitement, energy-levels, and – yes – knicker drops.
This was in evidence a couple of days before “You Really Got Me” dropped, when The Kinks were sharing a bill with The Beatles, and The Beatles got pissed that the girls screamed louder for the other guys.
The Beatles were particularly worried about this because nobody knew who The Kinks were yet. They had released just two singles before “You Really Got Me” both of which were complete and utter flops. And yet the girls still screamed.
The Kinks also exceeded The Beatles in terms of the quantity and messiness of their hair. Given that The Beatles’ mop tops were their defining visual feature, this was likely a matter of much concern. Rock star hair in general was a media obsession. It wasn’t just grown-ups and authority figures tut-tutting, and reporters using it as a punchline, either.
The girls were also concerned; letters to Beat International magazine suggested that Dave Clark was the fave of Brit-girls purely for possessing hair that was short and sensible. Beat International countered that a mop-top was functionally essential for a member of an over-excited beat band: “What was the use of carefully plastering their hair back when after the first wild number it would have been like a mop anyway?” Good point.
But The Kinks were not only about hair. The Kinks were mostly about clothes. The Kinks were indeed “Dedicated Follower(s) Of Fashion.” In interviews Dave Davies nominated “designing clothes” as one of his favourite things. They may have been given the name The Kinks by their manager in reference to their kinky fashion sense.
I don’t know if it’s quite right to say that The Kinks were better dressed than The Beatles or The Rolling Stones, but they certainly knew their way around a puffy pirate shirt.
It was quite fortunate that The Kinks were so fond of fashion. It distracted the eye from noticing that Ray Davies looked like a gap-toothed gumboot.
It’s a sad thing that most of the photos and videos taken at that time were in black and white, because The Kinks were a band made to be shot in colour. Here we go. Purple suits. Ruffled shirts. That’s more like it.
Also, cats:
The Kinks were not the only ones dressing up in natty threads. They were the members of an entire subculture of natty dressers: the mods.
And the best way to describe mods, and explain their whole thing, is to contrast them with their arch-nemesis: the rockers.
Rockers rode motorbikes and wore leather jackets and were still listening to old rockabilly records that were half a decade out of date. Mods rode tiny little Vespa scooters, bought records that they could dance to, and wore suits and jackets.
Those suits were reputedly rather bright, and the shirts often featured polka dots, but it’s hard to tell in a Black & White world.
And over the spring and summer of 1964, the two subcultures, in a series of fits of boredom, did battle with each other across Britain, from Clacton-on-Sea to Brighton. I think I know who I’d put my money on.
Let’s cross live now and hear straight from the Mod’s mouth. It’s all about bubble cars and Minis apparently. Dave Clark says it’s all about three or four buttoned waisted jackets with vents at the back.
The mods also took lots of amphetamines to give them energy to dance “All Day And All Of The Night.” This might also explain how The Kinks were able to tap into higher knicker-dropping energy levels than The Beatles.
- “All Day And All Of The Night” is a 10.
- “You Really Got Me” is a 9.
The Kinks, and the rest of the mods dressed well, sure, but no-one dressed quite as well as our next guest…
Meanwhile, in Bond, James Bond Land:
“Goldfinger” by Shirley Bassey
Dr. No, the first James Bond film, came out in 1962. The same year The Beatles released their first single, “Love Me Do”.
It’s not impossible that, in terms of what made Great Britain feel cool again, what made London feel as though it was swinging, that Dr. No made the bigger splash. Four screaming mop-tops was kind of cool I guess.
But could Paul McCartney wear a tuxedo, arch an eyebrow and say cool stuff like “shaken, not stirred.” Did Ringo even know how to mix a martini?
Dr. No introduced the world to the James Bond Theme. But other than a couple of calypso tracks, such as “Under The Mango Tree”, music didn’t play that much of a role in the first Bond movie.
It wasn’t until Goldfinger – the third Bond film, in which James does battle with a smuggler, obsessed with gold, so obsessed that his preferred means of killing a girl is to paint her with gold, so that she’d die from “skin suffocation”, and whose name, we are led to believe, is just a coincidence* – that the tradition of the Bond theme song began.
Goldfinger also introduced many of the other features that we think of as being particularly Bondesque. Fancy gadgets, for example. Production budgets that could feed a small nation. An alcohol budget that could feed a small nation. James’ insufferable need to constantly demonstrate his prowess as a sommelier, as well as a lover.
Much improved taglines: “Everything He Touches… Turns To Excitement!”
Bond Girls with saucy names: Pussy Galore. Goldfinger has EVERYTHING!
Including a theme song performed by Shirley Bassey from Wales. From the Cardiff suburb of Splott, which appears to be just as drab as you might expect a suburb called Splott to be.
Shirley left school at 14 – pretty much normal at the time – to work in a steel mill, singing in pubs at night, graduating to vaudeville music halls, and by the end of the 50s was one of Britain’s most popular variety show performers.
By the time she performed “Goldfinger” she was quite the old hand.
“Goldfinger” sounds exactly what you’d want a Bond theme song to sound like. Sophistication. Seduction. Suspense. Spine-tingling blasts of spooky muted trumpet to surprise you.
As a character assessment of the titular character, I’m not sure that it quite hits:
“For a golden girl knows when he’s kissed her
It’s the kiss of death from Mister Goldfinger
Pretty girl, beware of his heart of gold”
I’m honestly not sure which a pretty girl would prefer? The kiss of death from Mister Goldfinger, or making out with Auric to begin with, and then remaining alive to live with the traumatic memories.
Presumedly the song writers had not been provided with a photo of Goldfinger actor Gert Fröbe. This is entirely plausible, since they weren’t shown the script either, or any footage.
All they knew was there was a scene in which a girl is killed by being painted with gold. This – not telling the theme song writers anything about the film they are writing the theme song for – seems to happen far more often than I would have expected. You may remember this was also the story behind “Three Coins In The Fountain.”
Why do film producers do this? What is the point?
As a result, we get lyrics like as “beckons you to enter his web of sin”, lyrics which make Auric Goldfinger sound about as sexy as Sean Connery, not Gert Fröbe.
Shirley sounds sexy however… particularly with that final big note, a note so big that she had to take off her bra to hit it, and yet still, she almost passed out.
Almost passing out appears to be an occupational hazard for Bond theme song singers. Fellow Welsh-person, Tom Jones would sing the next Bond song – “Thunderball”, I feel that Ian Fleming was taking the piss with some of these titles – and he too would feel a little dizzy towards the end. Not in this performance though. In fact, he manages to cock a bit of an eyebrow, Sean Connery style.
Anyway, here’s a video of Shirley singing “Goldfinger” on what I think we are supposed to assume is a gold mine, but is probably just a construction site.
“Goldfinger” is a 9.
*Not only is Goldfinger, Goldfinger’s last name, but his first name is Auric, which also means gold. His name is basically Gold Goldfinger.
Meanwhile, in Motown Land:
“Dancing In The Street” by Martha and the Vandellas
“Dancing In The Street” is quite possibly the most exhilarating, stompin’, party starter ever to come out of the Motown stables,
The closest competition probably being Martha’s own “Nowhere To Run.” Or maybe Stevie’s “Upright (Everything’s Alright).” Perhaps “Reach Out (I’ll Be There)” by The Four Tops. “Dancing In The Street” is a top-shelf, exhilarating, stompin’, party starter!
A stompin’ party starter whose beat was produced either by a crowbar, or by repeatedly tossing down some snow chains onto the floor. Accounts vary.
A stomper sung with attitude because Martha was pissed with the studio guys for forgetting to press play the first time she sang it, forcing her to sing it all over again.
“Dancing In The Street” is a party starter with attitude! Martha and The Vandellas had a lot of these.
Diana Ross may have been able to do wounded and heartbroken, but if you wanted gusty-party anthems, Martha Reeves was your girl! Martha was the one to get everyone dancing, EVERYWHERE AROUND THE WORLD!!!
- In Chicago!
- In New Orleans!!
- In New York City!!!
- In Philadelphia, PA!!!!
- In Baltimore and DC!!!!!
- Way down in L.A.!!!!!!
I think I’m forgetting one.
Then again, Martha seems to be forgetting the rest of the world! Remember Martha, the lyrics aren’t EVERY-WHERE AROUND THE CONTINENTAL UNITED STATES… it’s EVERY-WHERE AROUND THE WORLD!!*
Say what you like about the Bowie and Jagger version, at least they got the geography right!
Tokyo, South America, Australia, France, Germany, UK, Africa! That’s calling out across the world! (The Bowie and Jagger version is a 2.)
How then is this audience not feeling it? Why aren’t the guys grabbing girls? The record was playing, but there’s very little swinging and swaying. Were these kids simply not ready for a brand new beat?
Please note, since many have made this mistake, that it’s “Dancing In The Street” NOT “Dancing In The Streets.” I understand. The first time I typed this entry, I typed “Streets” all the way through. “Dancing In The Street” is a party song of such singular power that it feels as though it should be plural.
“Dancing In The Street” is a party song so undeniable feels as though it requires multiple streets to dance in. Surely a single street would not be enough. Yet somehow all the dancing is contained in a single street. One single street that stretches so long that it reaches EVERY-WHERE AROUND THE WORLD!!!!… oh I’ve had it trying to understand this song, I’m just going to go outside and dance!!
“Dancing In The Street” is a 10!
*Martha does also say it’s ‘an invitation across the nation.’ This crazy song is sending such mixed messages!
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Just in case you need more photos of Beatles and Roy in your life!
Further investigation has revealed that, according to an interview with “Record Mirror” as the song was racing up the charts, that the original “You Really Got Me” was not only “polished,” it was “light jazz”!
I like all of that cool trivial about Roy Orbison’s glasses.
I’m a little lukewarm on the Kinks overall, but I can’t deny the raw fun of “You Really Got Me”.
And is there a better Bond theme than “Goldfinger”? It may not always be my favorite one, but it seems like the quintessential 007 theme. Absolutely over the top bombastic, in a great way. By the way that whole Goldfinger soundtrack is top notch.
And who doesn’t like “Dancing in the Street”? Fantastic.
So did you mean to highlight songs that Van Halen had famously covered? Hunting for the David Lee Roth sung “Goldfinger”…no success yet.
Four great tunes but I’ll go with Kinks as the best for it’s raucous energy.
Understandably, Shirley Bassey is referred to as the girl from Tiger Bay – the area of Cardiff where she was born, rather than Splott where she grew up. There’s been a documentary by that name and she sang a song of the same name, written by Manic Street Preachers for her 2009 album; Performance.
Splott just doesn’t have the right gravitas.
The 2nd Bond Film; From Russia With Love did have a star powered theme song. It’s a long time since I’ve seen it but from what I gather the instrumental version plays over the opening credits and the vocal version closed the film.
The singer was Matt Monro; aka The Man With The Golden Voice.
Sounds perfect for Goldfinger then. They missed a trick there. Though as powerful a voice as he has (see the last note in this performance) he doesn’t quite match upto Shirley’s lung busting qualities
https://youtu.be/O_fCUGJFQOI?feature=shared
A fun thing to do is to list a few random singers representing different genres, like Garbage, Madonna, Jack White, and Rita Coolidge, and ask what they have in common.
I called this a “Digital“ trivia question; Either people get the references and know the answer immediately, or they never come up with it. There’s not a lot of guessing to yield the correct answer.
Ok. I’m stumped. What do they have in common???
Let’s just say, the clue is in the column.
You might say it’s a common theme.
Spoiler alert, LinkCrawford: All have performed wearing metallic bras.
Garbage did the theme song for “The World Is Not Enough” but I don’t think any of the others did a Bond song. Did they all cover a Martha and the Vandellas song?
Just looked it up. I was right the first time.
Here’s a list with chartstuff:
Cool. Do I win anything?
Our undying respect.
One that got away – Radiohead offered up a song for Spectre but they went with Sam Smith. Putting it right here’s the opening credits recut with Radiohed in place
https://youtu.be/o4mIWoLg69Y?feature=shared
THAT is a pretty good, really interesting Bond theme. I understand going with Sam Smith but maybe they could have included it as a secondary theme.
I believe the rumor about “You Really Got Me.” Their debut single was such a lame and tepid run-through of “Long Tall Sally,” it could be used as a prophylactic in high schools.
Did they invent metal? Probably not. Didn’t Pat Hare already do so in the 50s? But I could see “You Really Got Me” as being the first real hard rock power chord, one that clearly foreshadowed punk as well.
Love your section on poor Roy Orbison. Unfortunately his life would veer from Roy Orbison song to Shangri-Las song to maybe a Cure song in a few years. But eventually he recovered his life and career. With maybe some assistance from Frank Booth?
That’s what came to mind for me: Heavy Metal ⇏ Power Chords.
[It’s a great day. I get to use the “not necessarily equal to” symbol in a comment.]
Bill had a take on what artist and song was Heavy Metal’s patient zero in early 2023.
Not to be confused with one of Shalamar’s contributions to human society:
https://youtu.be/fZmHu1t_5X0?si=k-PEf9usdL01MgIc
My take on “Oh, Pretty Woman”
In my head, Roy is busking on a street corner when he sees the titular woman and improvises this song to get her attention, without success. When he’s asking “is she walking back to me” it’s a last gasp attempt to get her to play along. Whether or not it actually works is left as as exercise for the listener.
All of these are great stories about great songs. This column is a strong argument about 1964 being one of the best if not the best year for pop music. All of them sound as fresh and vibrant today as they did 60 years ago.