Pantomimes, Crackers, and Cultural Confusion: Have Yourself A Very British Christmas

Its December! So…

Time for a Christmas instalment of my educational looks at life and culture on my island.

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Christmas Markets

A recent addition to the yuletide build up.

Appearing in towns and cities across the country from the 90s onwards.

Specifically we’re talking German Christmas Markets, the most festive of all. These do however, vary in quality and authenticity. 

A German Christkindelmarkt first arrived in my home city of Leeds in 2007.

Then there was the food; huge German sausages, schnitzel, fried potatoes, stollen, Lebkuchen, Glühwein and much more.

Inside, it looked like a vision of hell / heaven with long tables of communal drinking packed with office Christmas parties in advancing stages of inebriation.

Traditionally dressed Germans served up steins of lager. Topping it off was an oompah band playing the finest schlager cover versions of already bad party songs. 

Then Covid happened.

And when normal life resumed, a fake German market replaced it. The stall holders are now largely local and mainly sell food. 

Your mileage may vary as to whether you see these markets as a charming festive wonderland – or as a commercial hellhole of identikit, overpriced items, thronged with a heaving mass of people. 

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Christmas Adverts

We also get Coca Cola telling us that holidays are coming. But the main event is department store chain: John Lewis.

Huge production values, large outlay and whatever they do, it generates its own industry in news and social media opinion pieces on how wonderful/woke it is. They range from the comic to the sentimental.

Of particular note are Moz The Monster (directed by Michael Gondry:)

And, The Man On The Moon:

These are normally accompanied by an ever so tasteful slowed down acoustic cover of a classic, which through the 10s was a guarantee of a hit, with two of them going to #1;

• Lily Allen doing Keane’s “Somewhere Only We Know”
• And Gabrielle Aplin doing Frankie Goes To Hollywood’s “The Power Of Love.” 

This year’s effort initially breaks with the norm, using Alison Limerick’s 90s club classic “Where Love Loves” in its original form before morphing into a soulful piano version for the sentimental pay off.  

The King’s Broadcast

The longest running broadcast show:

Kicking off in 1932 as King George V took to the airwaves before transferring to TV:

Known by various names but often it appears in the listings as just ‘The King / The Queen’. No further explanation needed.

It’s recorded a week or so before Christmas, though in the early years it was broadcast live. Which must have been a real hardship having to work on Christmas Day. I’m sure the monarch appreciated the overtime rates.

Its fixed at 3PM, the time selected to enable as much of the Commonwealth as possible to see it live. 

The format doesn’t alter other than occasionally mixing things up by playing the national anthem afterwards instead of before.

The King / Queen talks direct to camera from a tastefully decorated room in one of their many homes.

They touch on personal, national and worldwide issues and with the usual wishes for peace, prosperity, etc. in the next year. There isn’t normally anything newsworthy in it. But 2025 may change that:

Despite royal self sabotage and a decline in deference, there are enough royalists to keep it a ratings winner… 

…Even if the ratings do reflect the changing TV landscape.

• Peak year was 1980 with 28m viewers, almost 50% of the nation.
• By the late 90s it was under 10m and has remained there with one exception.
• The 2022 franchise reboot saw Charles’ first speech get 10.6m.
• Last year he was down to 6.82m, though that was still the 3rd most watched programme on Christmas Day.  

Its prestige is evidenced by being shown on BBC1, ITV1 and Sky News. 

Since 1993, Channel 4 has offered a non deferential: The Alternative Christmas Message.

It has a booking policy that screams publicity stunt, though often does carry a serious campaigning message. Outside of British personalities, this has been delivered by:

Quite the eclectic lineup.

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Mince Pies

These are small single serving round pies. 

But Mince Pies are not a savoury meaty treat.

Confused? 

These go way back, to Tudor times and beyond. Originally rectangular:

And made with 13 ingredients to signify Jesus and the disciples. These included mutton (to represent the shepherds) and spices (to represent the wise men). Which explains the Christmas connection. 

Over time, the meat content changed to minced beef. And at some point between the 18th and 20th Century, it was replaced altogether. The filling however, remained known as ‘mincemeat.’ 

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Pantomime

December is pantomime season.

“Oh, no it isn’t.”
“Oh, yes it is.”

Its also nothing like the usual theatre experience. Aimed at families, especially under 10s and with audience participation an integral part of the show. There are a number of conventions that make it quick to follow and ensure you know what to expect no matter which panto you attend. 

• Interaction takes the form of booing and hissing whenever a villain appears. 

• Shouting, “He / She / It’s behind you”.

• At which point the hero will exaggeratedly look over one shoulder while he / she / it moves to their other side so they aren’t seen.
• The audience will then shout “the other side” and the action will repeat. And again. And again. Until the actors decide the boundaries of convention have been thoroughly tested. 

Similarly, an actor will state an assertion which the audience will reject with “Oh, no it isn’t” and the actor retorts with “Oh yes it is.” And repeat, etc, etc. 

Across the country there are a huge number of pantos to choose from. Every city and town will have at least one. They may be looked down on by some but their popularity means that a month-long run can go a long way to keeping theatres financially viable. 

There are a core group of pantomimes which theatres loop through year after year. A 2022 survey named the most popular as:

• 1. Cinderella
• 2. Jack And The Beanstalk
• 3. Aladdin
• 4. Peter Pan
• 5. Snow White
• 6. Beauty And The Beast
• 7. Dick Whittington
• 8. The Wizard Of Oz
• 9. Sleeping Beauty
• 10. Robin Hood

Which looks Disney heavy. But they largely predate the House of Mouse, and they’re far from Disneyfied.

Other than those listed, there aren’t many other options. The main stories remain the same but with the addition of local jokes and references:

A star name can be a big deal, with jokes and songs tailored to fit them.

Enthusiasm and the ability to draw crowds is of more importance than being able to act.

One element that panto has in common with Shakespeare is in men playing women.

Certain roles in every panto are reserved for a man in an over the top costume and wig and plastered with make up. Generally the role is a mother figure or in the case of Cinderella its the ugly sisters. 

Christmas Dinner 

By ‘trimmings,’ that means everything else:

• Roast potatoes
• Pigs In Blankets (sausage wrapped in bacon)

• Stuffing

• Brussel Sprouts
• Roasted carrots and parsnip
• Gravy
• Cranberry Sauce
• Optional extras may be added or substituted in. 

We always had mashed potato and Yorkshire Puddings. Fierce debate can rage as to whether Yorkshire Puddings have a place on the Christmas dinner plate.

Turkey wasn’t always the go-to.

Initially due to the fact they weren’t introduced to Europe til the 16th century. Henry VIII was an early adopter but it didn’t become the standard until they became more affordable in the Victorian era.

Not that we adhere to tradition. Not content on stoking the culture wars with the inclusion of Yorkshire pudding we have lamb instead of turkey. 

For dessert the time honoured option is the unimaginatively named Christmas Pudding. 

Ideally further brandy will be poured over it and it will be brought to the table alight. Once extinguished, serve with a brandy sauce. 

It is of course ludicrous that after such an extravagant dinner you would want a dessert this rich and heavy – but its Christmas. Time to show restraint, no mercy. Personally, I haven’t eaten Christmas Pudding in over 30 years. I value taste over tradition.

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Christmas Crackers

Not of the edible variety, though they are food adjacent.

Christmas dinner is served, but before you can tuck in there is one important task: The Pulling of The Christmas Cracker. 

They look like an oversized sweet with a central cardboard tube and twist of paper at either end. Taking hold of one end you face off against your opponent and pull until with a BANG the cracker rips apart, disgorging its contents.

These contents typically consist of;

• A coloured paper crown which should be worn for at least the duration of the meal.
• A ‘novelty’. Depending on how cheap your crackers are this may be a small plastic toy that will provide literally seconds of diversion before being discarded, a puzzle, or if you pay a bit more a miniature version of something useful like a tape measure, screwdriver, pack of playing cards or pen.
• A joke, and sometimes a random piece of trivia or a simple word game. The joke is likely to be of the groan inducing kind. 

E.g:

Q. What do you call a penguin in the Sahara Desert?
A. Lost.

Q. What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
A. Claustrophobia

Q. How does King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
A. Deep and crisp and even.

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Boxing Day & The Post Christmas Lull

Christmas isn’t just for one day – what a waste of an opportunity for gluttony and sloth that would be. Its a whole week through to New Year. 

December 26th is another public holiday: Boxing Day.

At primary school, the teacher asked for theories on the name. Straight up with the hand, one boy went route one, “Because there’s boxing on TV”.

There are two plausible explanations:

Or:

While for most people Boxing Day involves continued digestion of the previous day’s largesse, its a busy day in the sporting calendar.

There’s usually a full round of football fixtures and horse racing meets. For attention seekers with access to the sea, there is the Boxing Day Dip:

Posh country folk traditionally go fox hunting, getting dressed up in bright red jackets, blowing bugles and rampaging through the countryside on horses accompanied by packs of dogs. End result; the dogs kill the fox.

Now they just ‘accidentally’ come across foxes with the same end result. 

Between Christmas and New Year, productivity dips as many offices and factories close for the entire period. Those that remain open are likely to do so with much reduced staffing levels.

And the ones that do bother to turn in are unlikely to be at their most productive.

And with that, I’ll wish a Merry Christmas!

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