Its that time of year again!
Yes, its:
National Write A Business Plan Month!
What do you mean, “you don’t own a business?” Failure to plan means you’re planning to fail. C’mon people, get it together.
As enthused as many of us surely are about writing a business plan, there is of course another, even more important event to celebrate this month:
The UK Singles Chart has long had a predilection for the weird and wonderful.
It’s history littered with novelty and short lived crazes that rise to the top – as mass delusion sweeps the nation before swiftly trying to forget it ever happened.
The Christmas #1 has developed a fabled reputation as the pinnacle of this approach featuring the good, the bad, the ugly. And the criminally insane.
Join me then, as I walk you through the winter wonderland of some our most notable festive chart toppers.
It did take a while to get going. From the charts inception in 1952 to the late 60s it was business as usual.
With a couple of exceptions…
1955:
Dickie Valentine
Christmas Alphabet
The first ‘Christmas’ themed Christmas #1, its gimmick being that the first word in each line begins with the letters of ‘Christmas’. Lack of imagination means the second verse is the same as the first. Performed originally by the McGuire Sisters and borrowed for the British market. I’d never heard this until writing this article. There are many timeless classics from the pre-pop and rock era. And this creaky relic isn’t one of them.
The only other Christmas song of the era was the far classier Harry Belafonte with Mary’s Boy Child in 1957 but after that, standard chart service reigned for the next decade.
“Standard chart service” often meant the Fab Four.
It was more a case that they were so popular and anything they released hit the top, rather than specifically targeting the festive charts. In 1966 there was nothing ready in the release schedule, so they ceded control to Tom Jones and The Green Green Grass of Home before returning for a last hurrah in ’67.
1968:
The Scaffold
Lily The Pink
No Beatles release this year. But not to worry, as another Liverpool band kept it in the family. Featuring one Mike McGear, otherwise known as Mike McCartney. The Scaffold were a three piece music / comedy / poetry ensemble and with this ushered in an era of novelty festive chart toppers. Lily wasn’t exactly a musical masterpiece.
But given what was to come: its practically Beethoven.
1969:
Rolf Harris
Two Little Boys
Just ten years ago Rolf was, despite being Australian, a British national treasure. He came over in the 1950s and enjoyed a long successful career in art, TV and music. He was part of my childhood with shows such as Rolf’s Cartoon Club. He seemed such a lovely man. His place in the public’s affections were such that in 2005, he painted the Queen’s portrait.
And then it turned out he wasn’t a nice man after all. In 2014 at the age of 84 he was found guilty of twelve charges of indecent assault of a number of underage girls across several decades and served three years in prison.
Even before that, the song didn’t get much airplay, other than being held up for affectionate roasting at its hokey sentimentality.
It was written in 1902 and popularised by professional Scotsman Harry Lauder. Its a schmaltzy story of two little boys playing soldiers who grow up to fight in a war and one rescues the other from certain death.
Just to add further to the sense of it being a song from another time and representing anti-music; it was Margaret Thatcher’s favourite song.
The only time it came anywhere close to redemption was its use in Trainspotting, when the bleakness of heroin addict Tommy’s funeral is counterpointed by fellow heroin addict Spud singing this in his memory. Not a dry eye in the house.
1971:
Benny Hill
Ernie (The Fastest Milkman In The West)
Oh, the humanity! The heart wrenching tale of Ernie whose passion for Sue from Number 22 is undone by nemesis Two Ton Ted from Teddington and the lure of his baked goods. A duel ensues with a rock cake to the heart doing for Ernie.
If you think that’s tragic, the following year would like to have a word…..
1972:
Little Jimmy Osmond
Long Haired Lover From Liverpool
At the tender age of nine, Little Jimmy took advantage of his older siblings success.
To unleash this version of hell.
During the first COVID lockdown of 2020, we entertained ourselves with You Tube Evenings, showing our then eight year old daughter a range of the truly great (Sledgehammer) and truly awful videos of the past. I’d never seen anyone actually rolling on the floor laughing until we played her this.
The sight of Little Jimmy’s perky, over exuberant, grinning face and pre-pubescent squeak of a vocal had her literally roll of the couch on to the floor. She laughed so hard we thought she’d actually stop breathing.
For a real tag team piledriver, lurking behind Little Jimmy at #2 was My Ding A Ling. Well done Britain. You ruined Christmas.
1973:
Slade
Merry Xmas Everybody
This is where the legend of the Christmas #1 starts. Slade were the biggest singles band in the country with five #1s in the past two years. This was the third to go straight in at #1, at a time when this rarely happened.
It had the Slade sound, so was a guaranteed winner. And lyrics that reflected the traditional Christmas themes but with a fun, cheeky wink. Its repeated line, “look to the future now, its only just begun” claimed a new era washing away the memory of Little Jimmy, and creating a new classic for a new generation, rather than relying on Bing and co.
Its not Christmas til we hear Noddy bellowing “ITS CHRISTMAS!!!!” before the fade out.
What made 1973 special and generated the idea of the Christmas chart battle was that it featured another iconic festive staple in the form of Wizzard’s I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day. Wizzard were on a hot streak too, with two #1s that year. Though, its largely forgotten that in the end it wasn’t much of a battle at all, as it peaked at #4. It might not have made the top spot, but its been neck and neck with Slade ever since for ubiquity.
1979:
Pink Floyd
Another Brick In The Wall
If you don’t eat your turkey, you can’t have any Christmas Pudding. Must have been the kids choir. That always helps sell a few records.
Speaking of choirs….
1980:
St Winifred’s School Choir
There’s No One Quite Like Grandma
Abnormal service is resumed.
tnocs.com recently introduced me to The Christmas Shoes. Its special blend of mawkish sentimentality doesn’t translate to a British audience: we prefer our mawkish sentimentality to be cloyingly sweet and performed by a bunch of cherubs dressed in pink.
Rivalling Little Jimmy for grim horror, it was perfectly judged for the Christmas market. A whole lot of Grandmas no doubt unwrapped this on Christmas Day, and wondered what they’d done to deserve such a nauseating tribute.
Less than a month earlier John Lennon had been shot dead, leading to him dominating the charts from mid December to mid February with (Just Like) Starting Over, Imagine and Woman taking hold of the top spot. A run briefly, inexplicably, interrupted by this travesty.
1982:
Renée & Renato
Save Your Love
After a brief outbreak of good taste resulted in Don’t You Want Me by Human League taking the 1981 Christmas crown, we were back to the incomprehensible.
Renato was an Italian waiter, moving to the Britain in the 70s. Its safe to say he didn’t have pop star looks, he was 42 when his big moment came, with a pronounced paunch, luxuriant hair and moustache and a way with casual knitwear and slacks.
Renée, meanwhile, was actually British and called Hilary, but y’know, alliteration.
Save Your Love was a throwback to pre rock n’ roll, a mix of opera-lite and easy listening, all soaring strings and over the top vocals.
You really have to watch the video for the full effect, a soft focus middle aged Romeo and Juliet story hammed up to the max. Except Hilary had already jumped ship and the Renée in the video was a model, explaining why she never opens her mouth to sing.
1983:
The Flying Pickets
Only You
Things get political. A little. As per the UK government website, flying pickets are defined as, “groups of striking workers that move from one workplace to another to picket them.”
These Flying Pickets were an acapella group made up of six actors who sung a bit and linked up while performing in a theatre group. They practised singing together in their downtime, and realised they might be onto something. They chose their name to reflect their past and political leanings as left wing activists involved in the miners strikes of the 70s.
They adapted the Yazoo (Yaz for the North American market) #2 hit from the year before and went one better. Take that Glee.
I can say with no shame that 7 year old JJ loved this when it came out.
1984 & 1989 & 2004:
Band Aid
Do They Know Its Christmas?
I imagine most know the original. But do they know… all the other Do They Know Its Christmas? versions?
In 1989, Bob Geldof commandeered the then chart crushing Stock-Aitken-Waterman production team to produce a new version for the 5th anniversary.
The line up doesn’t quite have the same clout, as they focused on their own stable of pop starlets such as Kylie and Jason Donovan as well as some more random participants: Chris Rea and Technotronic together at last!
Come 2004 and it was time for an update, this time instigated by Chris Martin
There were more A listers present than in ’89. Paul McCartney and Bono were back from the original along with the likes of Dido, Joss Stone, Robbie Williams and a host of other British and Irish indie, dance and R&B stars. It also includes a crowbarred in rap from Dizzee Rascal in a bid for musical relevance.
It was back for the 30th anniversary in 2014.
Bono in his role as saviour of the human race turned up again. The pop conveyor belt threw out new participants in Ed Sheeran, Rita Ora and One Direction. There was a more scattershot approach though as Sinead O’Connor, Angelique Kidjo, Seal and Roger Taylor of Queen were also involved despite being someway past their chart relevance.
This version was released to raise money towards the Ebola epidemic in Western Africa, with some of the lyrics updated to reflect this. It allowed them to remove the line that there won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas time – Mt Kilimanjaro and the Atlas Mountains finally seeing their right to reply taken up.
It did make it to #1. But they went early, and it was still November when it went straight in at the top. By the time Christmas came along it had fallen to #17.
The original is the one that gets played every year. The ’89 version is of its time (i.e. dated) and as for the last two I’m not sure even Bono remembers them.
Stay tuned for Part 2, bringing us up to date in 2022.
We’ll be right back, after this break…
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Views: 196
I never knew there were more than version of Band Aid, although I shouldn’t be surprised, since there was that wretched We Are the World sequel. Looking forward to the second part of your list, JJ.
Something I’ve learned too; there’s a We Are the World sequel. Given your high praise I won’t be in a rush to search it out.
“We Are the World 25 for Haiti” got a rare Incidental Tom 1, putting it in the esteemed company of “God Bless the USA” by the American Idol S2 finalists and two Ray Stevens songs, “Ahab the Arab” and “Gitarzan”.
Very interesting!
I don’t know what it says about me, but I tend to like the mawkish chipper stuff.
Maybe because it’s so obviously theatrical, with clear ties to music hall, that it’s also a little self aware. The singers seem to be in on the game, winking at you from behind their exaggerated smiles.
Whereas with “The Christmas Shoes” and “Have You Forgotten” and other US garbage, the singers actually think they are waxing profound.
I’m guessing The Divine David never reached the UK #1? That’s a shame. Never have exaggerated stage smiles been so demented.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IrPh1or6_vs
You know what? I have never heard of Divine David before. Looking him up he had a couple of shows on Channel 4 which is the home of off kilter comedy and late night bizareness and right up my street but they were round the time of my post university house sharing years when we spent a lot more time in the pub than home watching TV.
I know how my mind works.
As of this article’s publishing, there is now a greater-than-zero chance that I’ll have a disturbing dream tonight. It will involve being stalked and serenaded by a cherubic-faced Osmond.
And I ain’t talkin’ ’bout Marie.
My work here is done!
If he’s joined by a whole choir of gap toothed poppets telling you how much they love their grandma then you’ve got real problems. 😁
Well, now, that’s just great. From the disturbing to the macabre.
I’m sleeping with the lights on, thank you.
Watch this space in 16 hours for an update.
“Come play with us, Granny…forever…and ever…and ever…”
…
I think my parents had the Irish Rovers’ version of “Lilly The Pink” in their collection, mixed in with their bitchin’ Burl Ives.
Now if Bitchin’ Burl had done a version…..
First time I’ve listened to Lily The Pink in a long long time. File under not as entertaining as I remembered it. Which is still a whole lot better than some of the others.
Checks out.
That Jimmy Osmond atrocity makes One Bad Apple sound like Mozart. Almost. If you have tinnitus. And a tin ear. But it’s considerably less hideous than LHLFL. Now put it up against Go Away, Little Girl and you have a contest.
I don’t think I’ve heard Go Away, Little Girl but I’ve just looked over the lyrics and really wish I hadn’t. They’re disturbing enough and then I see it was written by Goffin / King?!?!? What were they thinking?!
I know. And when you consider that Donny Osmond’s version was a cover, and it was originally sung by a fully adult man, the ick factor goes off the charts.
It was a product of it’s time.
A wretched, sexist, anti-feminist time. That I’m glad I lived through only as a kid, and not as an adult.
JJ, it’s so bad that Carole King omitted it from the Broadway stage musical about her life, Beautiful. And even Gerry Goffin said in the book Off the Record that it took only about 20 minutes for him to write and he regretted it being recorded.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CLWJVYX9Vdc
I like the original “Do They Know It’s Christmas Time?” I like U2. But I think Bono’s enthusiastic delivery of “Well, tonight thank god it’s them instead of you,” is a little tone deaf. I think it inspired an episode of South Park.
David Fonseca is a Portuguese National. I like his version a lot. When Fonseca gets to Bono’s line, he understands that it’s sad.
There’s a lot more pathos in that version. That is a problem with these all star singalongs though that everyone has a limited chance to shine and they don’t want to be overshadowed by their rivals so better to overdo it and show off than actually serve the song.
I also love Bono, but that line is really disconcerting. I like the version that you posted.
love that Flying Pickets cover. one of those great tunes which is only a Christmas song because that’s when it came out (cf my faves East 17). It’s also used to excellent effect in Wong Kar Wai’s Fallen Angels
I’m also partial to the cover of Under The Bridge they did in the 90s when they tried a comeback. Didn’t quite set the charts alight though.
I was pretty psyched to see In the Mood for Love place so high in the Sight and Sound poll, but my favorite Wong Kar Wai film is Chungking Express.
I like Faye Wong’s cover of “Rilkean Heart”.
The problem with articles like this is that they provide links to songs and the author says “Watch this! It’s crazy”, and then I click on it and then my YouTube profile skews ever closer to “serial killer” – damn you, JJ, and damn “Long Haired Lover From Liverpool” !!
(great article, though – looking forward to Part II)
I’ve ruined Mt’s dreams and ruined your youtube profile – you watched Little Jimmy? Hey, here’s some more just like that.
My work here is done. Or maybe not given that part 2 is to follow….
Seriously? They kept redoing Do They Know it’s Christmas? Sigh. That’s like Hollywood deciding to ‘reboot’ some decades old movie because they can’t come up with any original ideas these days.
This was fun, JJ, had me laughing pretty good the whole read. Looking forward to part 2, I know you Brits had some wonky choices in recent years…
People keep buying the damn things so may as well keep remaking them!
There’s some real classy stuff still to come as I bring us up to date. Who am I trying to kid? Its mostly just different levels of bad with the occasional exception.
Could you imagine if some US superstars kept redoing We Are the World? My mind reels and my stomach turns.
I’m researching Friday’s Theoretically Speaking and found this. It’s the entire album so put your dancing shoes on. But not your Christmas shoes.
https://youtu.be/usUJ7TP9LEM
JJ, which version of Mary’s Boy Child do you prefer, Harry Belafonte’s or Boney M’s? Or neither or some other one?
Boney M is the one that I’m more familar with as it was played a lot when I was a child whereas Harry’s is rarely played. I think its a case of neither but based on Christmas nostalgia if forced I’d go for Boney M just because it reflects my memories rather than a reflection of which is the better version
That Renée & Renato picture looks like what you’d get if you asked AI to make a realistic image of Mario & Pauline from the first Donkey Kong game.