The Hottest Hit On The Planet:
“Toxic” by Britney Spears
Not wanting to kick this thing off with a gross understatement or anything:
But there’s a lot happening in “Toxic.”
Bollywood strings battle it out with twangy surf guitars. Banshees scream as they try to escape from a dystopian 8-bit video game. Britney purrs and growls even more than she usually purrs and growls.
“Toxic” is about as maximalist as a pop song can be and still serve as pop. It’s the kind of throw-every-sound-at-the-wall-and-see-what-sticks- and then gasp in astonishment when it turns out that everything does! – experiment that you might not expect from a Y2K pop princess.
Although, in retrospect, maybe you should.
That generation of pop stars had always been about spectacle.
And things don’t get much more spectacular than “Toxic.”
Neither were maximalist everything-all-at-once soundscapes something generally associated with Bloodshy and Avant, the two producer-boffins behind those sounds.
Prior to “Toxic” Bloodshy and Avant were just two more Swedes trying to be the next Max Martin…
… The highlight of their career being the teen-sneaks-out-of-her-bedroom-window-to-go-clubbing classic “AM To PM” by Christina Milian. (“AM To PM” is an 8.)
After “Toxic” they kind of went back to being just two more Swedes trying to be the next Max Martin, at least until they kinda-sorta went indie-pop and transformed themselves into Miike Snow half a decade later.
None of which sounds much like “Toxic.”
That’s because there is very little in the world that sounds like “Toxic.” “Toxic” was a one-off.
Those aforementioned Bollywood strings were sampled from an old 80s Bollywood film, Ek Duuje Ke Liye, a tale of forbidden love between a Tamil man and a North Indian woman in Goa. Their love is cute. Not toxic at all. Despite not speaking the same language they communicate through song!
“Toxic” was written by that green-eyed pop genius Cathy Dennis about… a vet that she had recently broken up with. A vet that may also have inspired – at the beginning of their relationship – “Can’t Get You Out Of My Head.”
Imagine walking down the street knowing that you are the person responsible for both “Toxic” and “Can’t Get You Out Of My Head.” It must feel incredible.
But then you remember you are a vet and must neuter a cat.
But Noel Fitzpatrick – for that was the vets name – was not just any vet… he was SuperVet! That is, he had a show on Channel 4 called SuperVet. Here he is curing Simon Le Bon’s French bulldog of a funny walk. Sadly he is unable to cure him of the fact that he’s a French bulldog and so probably can’t breathe.
Almost as action packed as “Toxic” the song was Toxic the video!
A cinematic experience directed by Joseph Kahn, a Korean-American with a thing for Japanese pop culture, and who – looking at his videography – may be an even greater music video director than Hype Williams! Look at this list!
- Both “Everybody Backstreet’s Back”
- And “Larger Than Life” (okay, “Larger Than Life” is a bit of a mess…)
- Both “Say My Name” and “Jumpin’ Jumpin’!”
- “The Thong Song!”
- “Blank Space!” “Without Me!”
- Kylie’s sex-orgy-pyramid “All The Lovers!”
So what does Joseph give us for “Toxic?”
Britney begins the video working as an airhostess, seducing a portly middle-aged sandwich eater by juicing her breasts as though they were oranges, before ripping off his face to reveal a pretty boy inside
They make out in the toilet, where Britney steals his glowing fob. This means that… look, I’m not really sure… somehow that scene, as nonsensical as it was, is the most coherent of the whole video.
Soon Britney is riding on the back of a motorcycle through the streets of Paris, cat-burglar-ing Toxic Industries for some luminous green substance, having shower sex, and seducing another pretty boy to his death before jumping off the balcony and straight into a plane.
Then Britney winks at us, leaving us with the question: what the f–k did I just watch?
Speaking of questions: now onto the whole is-“Toxic”-where-‘toxic’-came-from? debate.
Now, everyone seems to agree that the term “toxic masculinity” dates back to the Mythopoetic Men’s Movement of the early 80s, in which – as best as I can tell – poets and psychologists talked a lot about what it was like to be a man and read a lot of Homer and Grimm’s Fairy Tales.
The term also appears to have been briefly popular in 1999 when it was associated with – and featured in multiple reviews of – Susan Faludi’s book Stiffed – The Betrayal Of The American Man.
Susan herself says that the phrase was popular in the media of southern California in the early 90s. I’ll take her word for it.
Both of these examples are clearly from a time before “Toxic.”
In more recent times “toxic” has won Oxford English Dictionary’s Word Of The Year – in 2018, beating both “gaslighting” and “incel” for the title! What a year for words…
…and has become so omnipresent that psychologists have taken to begging people to stop using the word to describe absolutely EVERYTHING!
So “toxic” – the word – has gone through a long and epic journey on its way to ubiquity, of which Britney’s “Toxic” may- or may not have been – a stop on the way.
“Toxic” is a 10!
Meanwhile, in “Happy” Indie Land:
“Float On” by Modest Mouse
“Float On” shot Modest Mouse into the indie stratosphere. Now, the indie stratosphere is, almost by definition, not a huge stratosphere, but nonetheless Modest Mouse were there – turning them into the leading indie band in America outside of the Strokes-White Stripes-Yeah Yeah Yeahs garage rock revival nexus.
That garage rock revival stuff was big city indie. Modest Mouse – along with a whole bunch of other indie bands at the time, Granddaddy, The Shins – were more like trucker-cap, flannel shirt wearing, small town indie.
Despite being shot into the indie stratosphere, it only just occurred to me that, until I sat down to write this, I had no idea who the lead singer of Modest Mouse was. Or what he looked like.
Although I’d probably have been able to guess – correctly so it turns out – that he had a sizable beanie collection.
Is it just me? Or is it common indie-fan knowledge? Do you know who the lead singer of Modest Mouse is?
The lead singer of Modest Mouse is a guy from Oregon by the name of Isaac Brock. And Isaac Brock, it turns out, is a bit of a mess.
I mean this is a guy whose other party starter – from the Good News For People Who Love Bad News album – was titled “The Good Times Are Killing Me” and in which he rhymes “fed up with all the LSD” with “need more sleep than coke or methamphetamines.”
Isaac Brooks does not appear to be a happy man. That’s why I put “happy” in inverted commas in the headline. “Float On” may be a happy song, but it’s a happy song written by a guy who needs to be convinced that there’s anything to be happy about. In the world of Modest Mouse life is usually not okay.
That’s why Isaac felt the need to write such a reassuring and optimistic son. Imagining a utopia where you can run your car into a cop car and the cop will just drive off! It wasn’t just because the news was full of The War On Terror and because Bush was – to use Isaac’s and a whole lot of other people’s words – “a lying bag of shit.” It was also because Isaac had been in jail for a week and a half for attempted murder!
Now, for a second there, I wasn’t sure which I should be more shocked about? That the lead singer of Modest Mouse was convicted for attempted murder? Or that the penalty for attempted murder is a week and a half?
Turns out that in Oregon, any DUI charge is automatically considered attempted murder, even if no-one gets hurt. Isaac’s friend dislocated her thumb in the accident.
I don’t know whether that was taken into account or not.
So anyway, Isaac needed to cheer himself – and the rest of the indie nation – up, with a great big chant and cheer along! With an absolute earworm of a guitar riff! With Isaac yipping like a dog! With an overall vibe of, let’s say the Eels covering “Bohemian Like You.”
And with a message that sounds encouraging and optimistic but is pretty much just telling us “well… just think… it could always be worse.”
Which is true. It could be. It would be.
All of which was so utterly addictive that “Float On” soon became a must-play at every indie-disco night on the planet.
But it was even bigger than that! “Float On” topped the Alternative charts, a rare occurrence at the time for a non-butt rock band!
And it was seriously considered as a potential theme song for The Office. Imagine that!
One thing you don’t have to imagine, because it actually happened, was that the contestants of American Idol would sing “Float On” in an advertisement for Ford, presumedly to promote some special safety feature that make Fords impervious to cop car crashes.
“Float On” is a 9.
Meanwhile, in Angry Indie Land:
“The Rat” by The Walkmen
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YOU’VE GOT A NERVE!!! TO BE ASKING A FAVOUR!!!!! YOU’VE GOT A NERVE!!!!! TO BE CALLIN’ MY NUMBER!!!!!
2004 WAS AN INCREDIBLE YEAR FOR BREAK-UP SONGS. THE DEFINITIVE TRIUMPHANT POP BREAK-UP SONG OF THE 00S WOULD BE UNVEILED TO AN ASTONISHED WORLD LATER IN THE YEAR, BUT BREAK-UPS ALWAYS GO THROUGH PHASES, AND BEFORE THE SO-MOVING ON YEAH-YEAH PHASE, THERE’S THE BEATING ON YOUR WALL PHASE – SOME LYRIC SITES SAY “BLEEDIN’ ON YOUR WALLS” WHICH FEELS A LITTLE EXTREME, BUT THEN AGAIN… MAYBE? – NOT TO FORGET THE POUNDING ON YOUR DOOR PHASE!!!
MR WALKMAN IS SO NOT MOVING ON, YEAH YEAH.
NO, MR WALKMAN – HIS NAME IS HAMILTON LEITHAUSER – IS ANGRY!
MR WALKMAN IS SPITTING VENOM! MR WALKMAN’S LIFE IS RUINED. WHEN MR WALKMAN USED TO GO OUT HE KNEW EVERYONE THAT HE SAW. NOW HE GOES OUT ALONE. WHEN HE GOES OUT AT ALL. AND IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT! YOU’VE GOT A NERVE!!!
AND NOW YOU’RE ASKING A FAVOR? CALLING HIS NUMBER? YOU’VE GOT A NERVE!!!!
“THE RAT” IS PURE UNCUT ANGER. THE KIND OF PURE UNCUT ANGER THAT REQUIRES THE ENTIRE BAND TO BE SEETHING WITH RAGE.
THE DRUMMER IS CERTAINLY SEETHING WITH RAGE!
JUST LISTEN TO HIM POUNDING ON HIS DRUMS!
THE GUITARIST IS ALSO SEETHING WITH RAGE!
JUST LISTEN TO HIM MAKE HIS GUITAR SQUEAL AND HUM!
THE WHOLE BAND IS BARELY HOLDING IT TOGETHER!! “THE RAT” HAS BEEN KNOWN TO MAKE HEARTS PALPUTATE AND MEN FEEL FEELINGS THEY NEVER EVEN KNEW EXISTED. AND THAT’S BEFORE HAMILTON EVEN STARTS HOLLERING…
IF YOU ARE THE KIND OF PERSON WHO LIKES TO PLAY AIR-DRUMS YOU WILL PROBABLY FIND THAT YOUR TRADITIONAL AIR-DRUMMING ARRANGEMENTS WILL FEEL GROSSLY INEFFECTUAL.
WHAT YOU WILL NEED TO DO IS GO TO YOUR LOCAL GYM AND FIND A PUNCHING BAG.
IF I WAS A GAMBLING MAN, OR A BOXING FAN, I’D WANT TO KNOW WHICH BOXER USED “THE RAT” AS THEIR PRE-GAME FIGHT MUSIC AND PUT ALL MY MONEY ON THEM. AND THEN I’D FEEL SORRY FOR THE OTHER GUY. THEY ARE ABOUT TO GET THUMPED.
THE WALKMEN WOULD TURN INTO SOMETHING OF A WELL-RESPECTED CULT BAND BUT IT WOULD MOSTLY BE FOR SONGS THAT SOUNDED LITTLE LIKE “THE RAT.”
I GUESS AFTER “THE RAT.” ALL THEIR ANGER HAD BEEN SQUEEZED OUT. SAD NEWS FOR FANS OF ANGRY INDIE ROCK. PROBABLY GOOD NEWS FOR THEIR OWN EMOTIONAL HEALTH AND WELLBEING.
“THE RAT” IS A 10!
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Meanwhile, in Disco Land:
“Take Your Mama” by Scissor Sisters
Jake Spears needs to come out to his mother.
This, you might think, should not be necessary. Jake Spears is, after all, the most camp man in all of 00s pop. But sometimes mothers can be oblivious to the obvious. Sometimes mothers need things to be spelt out for them. Sometimes they just assume that you’re handsome, that you like to talk and that you are a whole lot of fun.
Did Ms Spears not wonder why Jake had named his band after a lesbian sex position?
Did she not wonder why her boy was hanging out with Ana Matronic, a cabaret performer whose act included – to quote Wikipedia – “a performer dressed as a giant vulva… singing “Lick Me in My Wet Spot” to the tune of “Hit Me With Your Best Shot?”
Did Ms Spears not suspect something when Jake joined said cabaret playing the character of ‘Jason the Amazing Back-Alley Late Term Abortion?’
Mothers can be so clueless sometimes.
How does Jake Shears recommend you come out to your mother?
Well, you take her out obviously! And get her jacked up on some cheap champagne! And you sing songs together, even if they are bad! Sounds like a plan! Sounds like it might work!
It certainly sounds like a far superior plan to how Jake actually came out to his mother. This is how it went down:
The Spears family – no known relation to Britney – were on a family holiday in Las Vegas.
Getting ready to see the Michael Crawford Show, a good indication that we are talking about some deeply conservative parents here.
Jake was gelling his hair, when his mother said “When we get back to Seattle, I want to talk to you about something.”
“Is it about me being gay?” Jake asked.
“Shoosh” Jake’s mother whispered “your father’s trying to watch the news.”
So, in real life, they didn’t go to a gay club. Which is hardly surprising because it was 1995 and Jake was 16. Instead, they went for ice-cream.
Hagen-Daas to be precise. And sure, ice-cream brings people together, but not like getting jacked up on cheap champagne.
“Take Your Mama” is a 9.
Meanwhile, in Cockney Rap Land:
“Fit, But You Know It” by The Streets
The Streets weren’t originally a stand-up comedy act. The Streets’ first album was a mostly serious proposition. Cutting edge even. Or at least that’s what Mike Skinner wanted you to believe.
He was always banging on about pushing things forward – on “Let’s Push Things Forward” – and how he made bangers, not anthems. Cult classics, not best sellers.
Except that Mike was such a charming lad – and emerging at the very peak of Lad Culture – that his cult classics quickly became best sellers anyway. And that was at least partially – and quite possibly primarily – due to the way that Skinner spoke.
There was no ignoring the fact that Mike Skinner was a geezer. Mike Skinner was the definition of a geezer. Mike Skinner was such a geezer, that…
… well, here are a sample of the most popular YouTube comments under “Don’t Mug Yourself”, the most obvious predecessor to “Fit, But You Know It”:
… and so on.
Still, I don’t think anyone saw “Fit, But You Know It” coming. “Fit, But You Know It” so doubles-down on its Britishisms that its most common lyric appears to be “oi.”
I’m pretty sure that nobody saw the A Grand Don’t Come For Free album coming, since no album like A Grand Don’t Come For Free – a hip-hop-opera about losing a thousand quid, and then finding it again – * spoiler alert * – down the back of a broken television! – had ever been attempted before.
Despite his loss of a thousand quid and lack of a stable place of residence – having just been kicked out of his girlfriend’s house – Mike still manages to go on holiday to Ibiza. That’s where “Fit, But You Know It” comes in.
“Fit, But You Know It” is, quite frankly, hilarious. I’ve seen it described as Seinfeld-ian, such is its focus on celebrating the petty details of life and the extent to which Mike transcribes his entire internal monologue.
An internal monologue which includes both a debate over whether or not he fancies the girl in the blue Topshop top and the question of whether to have a burger or chips.
Meanwhile, Mike is constantly being distracted in his quest for both fit girls and fast food by brawls with potential crack smokers and his need to stop sharkin’ for a minute to get chips and drinks.
Mike Skinner is a man who likes his chips! Chips make Mike Skinner go yes, yes, oh yay!
Meanwhile the groove lurches and stumbles about like it’s about to chunder all over the place. Which is exactly how a party groove should lurch and stumble.
I reckon “Fit, But You Know It” is about an 8 or a 9. Maybe even nine and a half in four beers time. That’s only half a joke. If there is any song that sounds better after a couple of beers, it’s this one!
What a phat time to have been alive!
To hear these and other 00s hits, tune into DJ Professor Dan’s Twitch stream on Sunday nights Melbourne time… so about Sunday lunch time London time… breakfast New York time?
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Some excellent picks. Float On introduced me to Modest Mouse and they’ve brought me many hours of aural pleasure since. Similarly, The Rat introduced me to The Walkmen, an Unstoppable beast of a song. They’ve got one more track that matches it for greatness in Angela Surf City but like you say, nothing else sounded quite like The Rat.
Toxic is a third 10 out of 10. Best thing Britney has ever done in my opinion. All the better for pushing it all to the max.
For Scissor Sisters, that first album was class. Take Your Mama Out is a decent song but the one that broke them over here is the glimmering disco depression of their Comfortably Numb cover. That gets another 10 from me. With their second album they got a #1 single but it sounded like they were trying too hard. After that they got back to being more interesting.
Lastly, The Streets. First album, Original Pirate Material; bought it, loved it, listened on repeat. Sounded like no one else. A Grand Don’t Come For Free; bought it, tolerated it, listened occasionally. I don’t begrudge them their success and they didn’t exactly make a concious move to the mainstream, more that the mainstream moved towards them. It has the quality of sounding uniquely British but at the same time being a niche representation of Britishness that managed to get taken on as depicting a whole nation. Its both a true and a false portrayal of being British.
Agree that it will definitely sound better after a number of beers.
perfect description of ‘The Rat’, absolute cathartic despair that you don’t quite get in any other medium.
Mike Skinner is not a Cockney though! Brummie through and through (and actually the kind of provincial stultifying lager and pills existence he describes feels much more Midlands. Descriptions of London life even where they are similarly grubby are always a bit more interesting)
I knew somebody was going to get me on that technicality.