About This Time 30 Years Ago… It’s The Hits Of December-ish 1994!!!

The Hottest Hit On The Planet:

No! No! No!

Nup! Nup! Nup!

I’m sick of it! I’m tired of it! I’ve had enough! It’s the same every year! Please, can somebody, please, make it stop!!!

What am I talking about?

Whamageddon, of course!

That game in which, every year, millions – probably – of people across the globe attempt to get from the beginning of December all the way to Christmas Day, without once hearing Wham!’s immortal jingle-bell jingle “Last Christmas,” a song that totally sleighs.

Christmas is a stressful enough time of the year without having to sacrifice hearing “Last Christmas” everywhere you go!

Sure, it was fun at first. Those first few years, in the early 10s, when Whamageddon was a fun little novelty, just beginning to become “a thing.” It was a Christmas tradition that you didn’t have to put any effort into, and those are the best kind.

But it’s gone stale now. The magic has gone. Every year it’s just the same old thing. So this year, to save us from drear, we need to give it to some song special.

Which is why I have come, in this little corner of the Internet, to announce a new game! I have come to announce the coming of:

The Mariahocalypse!!!

To declare that Mariahocalypse is cometh!!!!

The Mariahocalypse starts… NOW!

Actually, that’s not fair. I can’t embed a video of Mariah cavorting in the snow, sitting on Santa’s lap and playing with a bunny, and not allow you to watch it. You are, after all, only human.

So, if you feel the need to get it out of your system…

Okay then, The Mariahocalypse starts… for reals this time… NOW!

2024 should be the year of the Mariahocalypse for numerous reasons. It’s more challenging than Whamageddon for one thing.

I was curious to find how difficult Whamageddon actually is; what are the odds of getting all the way to Christmas without hearing “Last Christmas”? And honestly, it doesn’t appear to be all that hard.

Let’s look at the data. The Billboard Hot 100 data.

• In the week before Christmas 2023, “Last Christmas” was streamed 38.8 million times in the United States.

• Some of those streams will have been in public places, and thus the number of people who heard them more than just one.
  
• Then again, a lot of those streams would have been by Wham!-stans who listened to the song multiple times, in the privacy of their own homes and headphones, presumedly by choice. So they probably weren’t playing Whamageddon and thus probably shouldn’t be counted.

On top of that there were 20.5 million “radio airplay audience impressions”. For a total of 59 million.

Now, I admit, this data set doesn’t include plays in supermarkets and department stores, the most dangerous environment for being Wham!-ed.

But let’s go with these figures anyway, since basically, that’s all we’ve got: 59 million Americans, out of a total of 335 million, heard ‘Last Christmas” in the final week before the big day. That’s less than 20%. I don’t know about you, but I like these odds.

Not that, looking at the data, avoiding “All I Want For Christmas Is You” seems particularly challenging either.

“All I Want For Christmas Is You” was streamed 47.8 million times in the final Christmas week of 2023, plus 28 million “radio airplay audience impressions”. That’s only something like 23% of Americans heard “All I Want For Christmas Is You” in the week preceding the big day. Doesn’t sound all that difficult to avoid does it? Just don’t go to any malls or department stores.

This is what online shopping is for!

The slightly-more-challenging-challenge isn’t the only selling point for Mariahocalypse 2024: there’s also the opportunity to annihilate that other Christmas tradition that has gotten totally out of control!

I’m talking about the annual “All I Want For Christmas Is You” being at Number One tradition!

Even last year, when Brenda Lee squeaked past it for two weeks with “Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree” it was finally knocked off, once again, by MC.

Which makes me wonder: is Whamageddon, what with so many people intentionally avoiding it for weeks at a time, holding “Last Christmas” back from reaching the Number One possie on the Hot 100?

 Would embracing the Mariahocalpyse instead – having millions of Americans steadfastly refusing to risk coming in contact with its infectious jingling – be enough to overthrow the Mariah-nasty, and allow George and Andrew –

– to take their rightful place at the top of the chart?

Or am I vastly overestimating the popularity of Whamageddon, and consequently the potential audience for the Mariahocalypse, and this whole thing will make precious little difference?

There’s only one way to find out. Embrace the Mariahocalypse!

“What!” I can hear you thinking. “Already?!?! Christmas seems to be starting earlier every year!!!!”

The next time that somebody complains to you that Christmas seems to be starting earlier every year, remind them that, in 1994, Mariah Carey released “All I Want For Christmas Is You” on October 29th! That’s a couple of days before Halloween! A full month before Thanksgiving!!

Naturally, in order to release “All I Want For Christmas Is You” in October, Mariah needed to write and record the song much earlier. How much earlier? Try August!

How does one capture the essence of Christmas, how does anyone feel that Christmas spirit, in August?

Did Mariah write and record “All I Want For Christmas Is You” at the North Pole, assisted by a heavenly choir of elves? No! She did not. Mariah wrote “All I Want For Christmas Is You”… somewhere in New York state. It was either at a rented house in The Hamptons, or the manor she shared with evil record company honcho Tommy Mottola.

Clearly these are not ideal circumstances for writing a Christmas classic, but nonetheless, against all those odds – imprisoned in a mansion, imprisoned in a marriage, in the middle of summer – that’s what Mariah Carey proceeded to do: write the biggest Christmas classic of the 90s, albeit by default.

And it only took her 15 minutes as well!

No wonder she is the Queen.

“All I Want For Christmas Is You” is a 7.

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Meanwhile, In, “Is-It-A-Christmas-Song”-Land?

Christmas is full of traditions. Mariah being Number One is one of them. Whamageddon is another. Hopefully the Mariahocalypse will eclipse it this year. We’ll see.

But what about the debates? The debates over whether Die Hard qualifies as a Christmas movie?

Or whether “Stay Another Day” by East 17 qualifies as a Christmas song?

Supplementary question: how did supposed bad-boys, East 17, come to write a ballad so soppy that maybe-it-is, maybe-it-isn’t a Christmas song? Complete with jingling bells?

To understand why East 17 may have been willing to make such a seemingly cynical move, it’s important to understand the situation the boys found themselves in late-1994. Which was at war.

And East 17 were losing. They were losing bad. And it’s easy to see why.

East 17 wore stupid beanies that looked like giant socks on their head. They had a dancing cartoon dog as a mascot. They had techno-pop shout-along anthems like “House Of Love” (it’s a 9) They were politically aware. Or at least politically aware enough to pen lyrics like

“Mother Earth, she’s on overload
One more war and she might explode.”

Tony Mortimer – the guy who wrote the songs and rapped the raps – was a bit of a sensitive, spiritual type who liked to read The Book Of Revelations in his spare time. His everyday conversations appear to have been not that different from the lyrics to “House Of Love.”

The rest of the group was… not so serious.

They liked drugs and snoggin’ birds. They looked up to Tony because he seemed like a bit of a guru to them, but they rarely really understood what he – or his lyrics – was going on about: “We are the seed of a new breed,” daft nutter Brian Harvey would sing on “It’s Alright” (it’s a 7), and it’s clear he didn’t know what he meant. Neither did anybody else.

This sort of thing certainly had its place in the 90s pop landscape, but East 17 was never going to topple Take That whilst wearing a sock on their head.

Take That were the dominant British boyband of the mid-90s by far, their entire aesthetic seemingly based on soft-lit gay-porn, so much so that it may as well have been a parody of the entire boy-band concept (“Pray” is a 7)

Take That were so big they had already had Five Number Ones! Including two in 1994 alone!! So big were Take That, that when they all got haircuts, The Sun put out an opinion poll about them: 70% of the British public disapproved. Take That’s haircuts were almost as unpopular as Prime Minister John Major. Their records were another matter.

As 1994 came to a close, East 17’s position in their battle against Take That, was looking increasingly fraught. They had not yet grabbed a UK Number One single, although they’d gotten close a couple of times.

Even more damningly, they didn’t score a single member in the Top Ten Most Fanciable Male category, whilst Take That took out the entire top four spots, forcing Keanu Reeves to be satisfied with 5th place! (Pamela Anderson won Most Fanciable Female) They did “win” Worst Group though – beating Shampoo! – Most Tragic Haircut – beating a skinhead Robbie Williams – whilst Brian “won” Least Fanciable Male. Worst of all, they came second to Prime Minister John Major in the “Sad Loser Of ‘94” category.

Then came their Christmas ballad. A ballad released a month before Christmas. A ballad with Christmas church bells clanging at the end of it. And if that Christmas ballad – “Stay Another Day” – doesn’t really seem to have anything to do with Christmas, that’s because it has everything to do with Tony Mortimer’s brother committing suicide.

I guess it makes a certain twisted sense that the year of Kurt’s suicide would end with song about suicide as the Christmas No.1. Still, you may be feeling a little surprised to find that “Stay Another Day” is about Tony’s brother committing suicide, since it very much sounds like as though it’s written to a girl. One who is very much alive.

“Oh don’t leave me alone like this
Don’t you say it’s the final kiss (Stay now)
Won’t you stay another day? (Stay now)”

Also…

“I touch your face while you are sleeping
And hold your hand, don’t understand what’s going on”

What sort of relationship did Tony have with his brother? The title itself is not about Tony’s brother however, although it is also about death.

She’d been sitting by her frail father’s hospital bedside, holding his hand. A hand that suddenly went limp. She thought that he had died, and, understandably, she let out a little scream, a scream that woke her father up. He didn’t just wake from his sleep either; suddenly he had a whole new lease on life! For a whole 24 hours he was like his old self again! It was as though he had looked death in the face and defeated it!

He hadn’t of course. Once that 24-hours was up, so was his life.

Still, Tony thought the entire concept – of coming back for a day, so you could say all of the things you always wanted to say – was lovely.

Honestly, “Stay Another Day” is just sadness on top of sadness on top of sadness, isn’t it? I’m sorry if this is ruining your festive season.

Like “All I Want For Christmas Is You”, the demo for “Stay Another Day” was written in August. Unlike “All I Want For Christmas Is You”, “Stay Another Day” wasn’t written in Storybook Manor or The Hamptons, but in Tony’s little flat where he was cooking spaghetti on toast, thereby illustrating the fundamental difference between the US and UK pop music scenes.

Tony thought they’d gone mad. Perhaps they had.

Imagine being Tony. You’ve written a quiet little song, a dedication to your dead brother, containing all the things you wanted to say to him. And then, all of a sudden, you find yourself having to sing it in the fake snow, wearing a big f*ck-off hoodie. And then hearing it being played every Christmas, like it’s some mutant form of break-up carol. “It’s like a white elephant” he told NME, mixing up his metaphors.

So convincing a Christmas song did “Stay Another Day” make, that a surprisingly large proportion of people think that Tony’s echoing backing vocals are chanting “sleigh bells.”

Some people interpret it right though: “Stay Another Day” gets played at a lot of funerals. It may be the only song that could plausibly be played on both occasions. So if you are ever responsible for the music at a funeral in late December, you know what you’ll have to play.

“Stay Another Day” is an 8.

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Meanwhile, in Baby Nirvana Land:

“Nirvana In Pajamas.”

That’s what people called them. They also liked to say they were “more kindergarten than Soundgarden.”

Which wasn’t very nice. Or even very accurate.

I mean, they were in high school at the time.

Sure, it was kind of funny. Maybe. I guess. At least for the first few hundred times. But silverchair – stylized in all lower case for some bewildering reason that simply served to remind you just how young they were – got so big, so fast, that they heard that joke the first few hundred times very quickly.

Just in case you weren’t around back then and are feeling baffled as to why silverchair were being likened to two delicious yet nutritious human-sized children’s entertainers, what you need to understand is that, when “Tomorrow” dropped 30 years ago today, the members of silverchair were only 14 or 15 years old.

They were three adorable young scallywags who really liked to surf. Who were always going on about how the best thing about being teenage rock stars was that it gave you an excuse to wag school. Who spent their interviews just giggling amongst themselves, the way kids sometimes do.

Whilst researching this piece, I found one source claiming that they went to Disneyland on their first U.S. tour.

The constant stream of jokes about how young silverchair were may have been a little grating, but that was nothing compared to the need to constantly correct critics who claimed they were influenced by Nirvana and Pearl Jam. This wasn’t a uniquely silverchair problem of course. It’s genuinely difficult to find a review of any band with loud guitars in the mid-90s that doesn’t mention Nirvana and Pearl Jam, usually in the same sentence. It was almost as though Nirvana and Pearl Jam were the only “alternative” bands the average rock reporter knew.

And yet no-one listened. Maybe they couldn’t hear Daniel over the top of the riffs.

I’m not sure who it was that first made the Nirvana comparisons, but it may have started – as so many things do – with Courtney Love.

It happened at the Big Day Out that summer, just a few months after “Tomorrow” topped the charts in Australia.

Courtney, as might be expected, was a bit freaked out, and when she took to the stage later that afternoon, she had something to say:

“So this young guy from silverchair looks like my dead husband and sings like Eddie Vedder- how lame!’ 

Classic Courtney. Never change.

Or at least, that’s one version of the story. There are a whole lot of different versions of this story. Some say Courtney was raving around backstage at the Big Day Out looking for “that boy who looks like my dead husband.” Some say it happened at Madison Square Garden. Maybe it was all the above.

Just to be crystal clear: Although silverchair suddenly became famous shortly after Courtney’s husband died, Daniel Johns was not the ghost of Kurt Cobain. The Chair have a well-documented history stretching way back. Back to when Kurt was still alive.

There is also a whole lot of documentation showing that silverchair spent much of 1993 and 1994 entering a series of battle of the bands competitions, which appears to be the only way that they could get gigs at the time. Although grown-up bands around Newcastle kept on asking silverchair to support them, our heroes would turn up to the venues only to be told that they were too young to play.

Also, Daniel Johns needed pocket money. Daniel’s parents were too poor to give him any pocket money and it just wasn’t fair. But sometimes battle of the bands competitions gave you a cash prize. It seemed like a solid plan.

The Chair seemed to do pretty well on the battle of the bands circuit. Here they are winning the Youthrock Encouragement Award. Clearly Daniel was chuffed to win.

They probably didn’t get any money for their first televised performance in 1993 either, since it was a telethon on a local Newcastle TV station. Where they were called the Innocent Criminals, and when Daniel still had braces.

Then came “Pick Me.”

Pick Me, a competition run by the SBS music show, “nomad” – also stylized in all-lower-case – didn’t offer any prize money either. But it was the biggest competition silverchair had entered yet, with kids posting their demos in from all over Australia.

Pick Me was going to be, what is known in “the business” as, their “big break.” Pick Me may not have offered prize money.

A few short weeks later, “Tomorrow” was the Number One song in the country, and Daniel Johns no longer needed to bug his parents for pocket money.

Given that silverchair entered these competitions just so Daniel could have some pocket money, it should be no surprise that “Tomorrow” is a socio-economic treatise about the growing class divide.

The lack of a sink suggests that Daniel is referring to a garden tap, otherwise the song possesses no internal logic.

Then he calls us “fat boy.”One feels relieved by the end of it all that Daniel Johns found rock stardom, because he would have made a terrible real estate agent.

At the time, lacking the lyric-interpreting resources of the Internet, nobody really knew quite what Daniel was going on about. We now know that the “fat boy” is a privileged rich kid that silverchair are showing around their poverty-stricken little town.

Or, to quote Daniel himself, it’s about “a fat, overindulgent guy who’s told to experience a life of a person less fortunate than themselves. And doesn’t like it.”

So basically “Tomorrow” is sort of like a post-grunge proto-“Common People.”

Because they started out so young, the career arc of Silverchair – at some point in the 90s they graduated to a capital-S – was never going to be like other bands. Although in some ways, it was very much like other bands.

Over the next decade or so they would go through a proving-their-punk-rock-credentials-by-rocking-out-even-harder phase:(Pure Massacre, Freak Show), a big orchestral album phase (Neon Ballroom, Diorama), Daniel’s weird arty-electronic-side project phase (The Dissociatives), all leading up to their final album just over a decade later after which they had to retire because Daniel had reactive arthritis.

And they hadn’t even reached 30 yet!

That’s about the age that most rock stars begin to get famous!

“Tomorrow” is a 9.

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