About This Time 30 Years Ago… It’s The Hits Of May-ish 1994!

The Hottest Hit On The Planet:

In 1965, Bob Dylan dropped “Highway 61 Revisited” – my favourite Bob Dylan album – featuring “Ballad Of A Thin Man” – my favourite Bob Dylan song. In it, a hopelessly uncool civilian – most likely a journalist by profession – goes to a party filled with hippies and other assorted freaks. Things quickly descend into madness, ultimately leading to a one-eyed little person shouting “YOU’RE A COW!” at him. Poor Mr. Jones.

Three decades later, Counting Crows had a huge hit with “Mr. Jones”, an update to the Mr. Jones saga, revisiting the character, seeing how he was dealing with the “alternative” era, an era in which popular culture was suddenly filled with more freaks than at any time since that fateful party.

At least that’s what I – and a whole lot of other music geeks – assumed “Mr. Jones” was about. But we were wrong.

Turns out that “Mr. Jones” is not a sequel to “Ballad Of A Thin Man” in which Mr. Jones is now an old men yet still dreams of a world where people are adequately impressed by his reading of all of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s books.

Who is not an old man at all, but about the same age as Adam – in which they go watch Marty’s father, who is a famous flamenco guitar player, and… look, the plot of the story behind “Mr. Jones” is essentially the plot of “Mr. Jones.”

With one exception. There’s one important detail of what happened that night that didn’t make the song. There was someone else in the bar other than Adam, Marty, Marty’s flamenco guitar playing father, and the beautiful flamenco dancer.

Not Chris Isaak himself – which would have made perfect sense – but his drummer. And Adam is thinking, if even at that background-guy level of rock’n’roll fame you can get three girls, then… Adam Duritz needs to become a big star!

The main reason why I – and many others – assumed that “Mr. Jones” was a sequel to “Ballad Of A Thin Man” was because of the line:

“I want to be Bob Dylan.”

You can understand why Adam may have wanted to be Bob Dylan. Being Bob Dylan means that he would never have written lines as clunky as “grey is my favourite colour/ I felt so symbolic, yesterday/ If I knew Picasso/ I would buy myself a grey guitar and play.”

Adam also tells us that he wants to be a lion. In this he is vastly more successful. Just look at his great mane of dreads!

Most importantly though, Adam and Mr Jones want to be big stars. Or at least they did until Kurt Cobain shot himself at the very same time “Mr. Jones” started blowing up, predominantly because he was a big star. After that, Adam was no longer so crazy about becoming a big star. And other than he godawful cover of Joni Mitchell’s “Big Yellow Taxi” years later – Adam may have failed to become Bob Dylan, but at least he was temporarily Joni Mitchell – he largely wasn’t.

• “Mr. Jones” is a 7. 
• “Round Here” is even better, it’s a 9.
• Also, “Rain King,” that was a good one. That’s an 8.

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Meanwhile, In Getting Crazy With The Cheez Whiz Land:

“Loser” came out at a weird time in popular culture. It was a time when it felt as though every second television program, and certainly every second cartoon – Ren & Stimpy, Beavis & Butthead, very possibly Rugrats – had been developed specifically to attract the stoner demographic.

The adults who created the shows were probably stoned during production, giggling deliriously at their own non-stop non sequiturs and random word associations.

These shows made good business sense. More sense than the shows did anyway. You can sell a lot of advertising to snack food companies when you target that particular demographic.

Similar to the way that heavy metal was invented because one of the guys from Black Sabbath saw a long queue of people waiting to watch a horror movie, and thought to himself, “hey, why isn’t there any horror music?!?!”, it was only a matter of time before somebody made the musical version of a surrealist stoner cartoon. Naturally when it did happen, it happened by accident. You can’t plan this sort of thing.

Now, there had already been some music designed for this demographic.

Beastie Boys. Probably Primus. But nothing quite like the guy who thought it was a good idea to introduce himself to the world with the follow admission: that “in the time of chimpanzees (he) was a monkey.”

Such an attention-grabbing introduction is followed by a whole bunch of additional personal details about himself. Which… look, I’m not sure even Beck knows what he was aiming for with “dog food stalls with the beefcake pantyhose.”

Or: “you get a parking violation and a maggot on your sleeve.” Or “forces of evil with a bozo nightmare, ban all the music with the phony gas chamber.” What does it all mean? What could it all mean? Is it just weird-for-the-sake-of-weird? Or is this what is hidden deep inside of Beck’s subconscious?

The story of recording “Loser” – you couldn’t really call it writing – largely consists of Beck freestyling, apparently trying to sound like Chuck D*. He fails miserably. Beck realizes that he failed miserably – direct quote: “man, I’m the worst rapper in the world? I’m just a loser?” – and so he writes a chorus about how he’s the worst rapper in the world.

It’s kind of pointless me writing this review really; Beck’s already critiquing his own record, on the actual record!

Now, I always forget that the chorus to “Loser” is half sung in Spanish. It’s not “so, open the door” – which I guess I read as a comment on the fact that in the new alternative America it was finally cool to be a loser, doors were finally being opened to them – but “soy un perdedor.”

Despite all the good advice in the verses about “shav(ing) your face with some mace in the dark” it’s the interjections during the choruses that really take “Loser” to the next level, into the next astral plane. Catch-phrases-in-waiting like “drive-by body pierce”, “double barrel buckshot” and of course, “get crazy with the Cheez-Whiz”.  

All of which suggested that Beck saw the world somewhat differently than you or I.

For a large proportion of the radio-programming, radio-listening, and record-buying public, “Loser” would just be a novelty song. And not a novelty song about being bad rapper either. It would instead be a novelty song about “slackers”, the ultimate in media-imagined 90s sub-cultures.

Debate still rages over whether or not “slackers” actually existed. Beck was particularly peeved off by the suggestion he was slacker spokesperson: “Slacker, my ass. I never had any slack. I was working a $4-an-hour job trying to stay alive.”

He also didn’t have time to get a haircut. It was probably Beck’s hair more than anything else that had him stamped as a slacker.

At the time, in the aftermath of Kurt’s suicide (will every song in this article mention Kurt’s suicide? Read on to find out!) it felt that Beck might be the next generational icon, a comedian to cheer us all with silly random shit – such as this interview with Thurston Moore – saving us from the overwhelming doom and gloom of funereal post-grunge.

Rockstars like Beck, coming to save the world with absurdist poetry, don’t just happen. Beck had pop-art in his blood. His mother hung out at Andy Warhol’s Factory. His grandfather was part of the Fluxus movement. Beck had weirdness in his blood. If anybody could save the world from “Lightning Crashes” it would be Beck.

Ultimately though, it wouldn’t be enough.

“Loser” is a 9.

*As far as I can tell, Public Enemy have never covered “Loser.” This feels like a missed opportunity. This feels as though it needs to be rectified. I know that Flavor Flav does those personalized message videos, so if he’s willing to demean himself that far…

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Meanwhile, in Britpop Land:

There is an unfortunate stereotype that the English are terrible in bed. And I’m pretty sure it’s specifically the English. The Scots and the Welsh are fine.

Cool Britannia’s efforts at countering this stereotype were not exactly helped by the fact that Jarvis Cocker – universally agreed to have been the sex symbol of Britpop – was a gangly man who sang a lot about sex, but never in a way that made it sound like a good time.

Jarvis made mid-90s Britian sound like a land where the phrase “bore your pants off” is taken quite literally. Where girls buy toys to reach the places he never goes.

It’s a world when the first time is the worst time.

This was in keeping with Jarvis’ approach to writing about sex, as he explained in Melody Maker at the time:

Jarvis wrote sex songs for guys who came after 30 seconds. Also men in stained raincoats.

Jarvis gets a lot of opportunities to point in the video for “Do You Remember The First Time?” but his patented hand-dances are relatively understated, especially when compared to the other classic from the His ‘N’ Hers album, “Babies,” in which a teenage Jarvis listens to her friend’s sister getting it on with David from the garage up the road.

Then Jarvis opens up the wardrobe and gets it on with her clothes, at which point he is caught and excuses himself with the line “I know you won’t believe it’s true, I only went with her ‘cos she looks like you! MY GOD!!” At least I think that’s what’s going on with “Babies.” I could be imagining this scenario totally wrong.

“Babies” is a 10.

So, do you want to see the “patch of grass” where, on a summer’s evening in 1983, Jarvis Cocker had sex for the first time? With a girl who was also having sex for the first time. Both Jarvis and the girl – let’s assume her name was Deborah, even though we know it wasn’t, because they were friends and that was as far as it went – agreed to have sex with each other, not because they fancied each other or anything, but just to get it over and done with. Jarvis was 19 at the time, an age when still being a virgin starts to get embarrassing.

Well, here you go then… it’s part of a short film, in which a bunch of other British celebs – Justine from Elastica, Terry from The Specials, godlike radio DJ John Peel amongst them – talk about their first times. I’m not sure where a film like this would ever be shown in 1994, but it was all part of the single’s promotional campaign, so here it is…

“Do You Remember The First Time?” is a 10.

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Meanwhile, in 80s Icons Still Kickin’ Around Land:

If you were to ask me, in 1984: Which of the two megastars of that year – Prince or Bruce Springsteen – would not only still be kicking around the charts, but still sound contemporary, still sound relevant, still sound like they were jacked into the zeitgeist, I would not have said ol’ Brucey. The guy barely sounded contemporary in 1984!

And yet, “Streets Of Philadelphia” sounds like it came from 1994, whereas “The Most Beautiful Girl In The World” by The Artist Formerly Known As A Revolutionary Musical-Boundary Breaker, sounds as though it came from 1974!

I mean, who would ever have imagined The Boss recording a song that could almost be mistaken – at least until he starts yarling – for Massive Attack? And I don’t think I’m making that connection because Bruce’s walking-down-the-street video reminds me of the video for “Unfinished Sympathy.” Or at least, I don’t think I’m making that connection just because the video reminds me of “Unfinished Sympathy.”

Compare and contrast:

I don’t want to overstate this too much. It’s not as though Bruce was auditioning for a feature on the Tricky album. And it’s not as though “Streets Of Philadelphia” was produced by Nelle Hooper or any other trip-hop luminary. It was just the same producers he used for his 80s rock classics. Which somehow makes its existence feel even more unlikely.

“Streets Of Philadelphia” was written for the movie Philadelphia, in which Tom Hanks plays a gay lawyer who is dating Antonio Banderas, quite possibly the most unlikely accomplishment of all. Tom Hanks is punching far above his weight. Unfortunately he also has AIDS and is dying. Also unfortunately, he’s been fired by his legal firm, almost certainly due to being a gay man who has AIDS. Denzel Washington – also a lawyer – helps him out. They win. Then Tom dies.

Tom Hanks also won (but didn’t die). He won the Best Actor Oscar for the role.

The fact that a man whose earlier movies included Big, Turner And Hooch and Joe Versus The Volcano could win back-to-back Oscars was as mind-boggling a concept to me than the possibility that Bruce Springsteen dug “Blue Lines.”

All of which is to explain why Tom Hanks turns up looking gaunt in the video, in which he’s about the only person not to give Bruce a wave. He’s not being rude or anything. He just has a lot on his mind.

“Streets Of Philadelphia” is an 8.

Meanwhile, o+>’s “The Most Beautiful Girl In The World” was arguably the moment that the Purple Perve ceased 2 even pretend 2 have come from some freaky funky future, and decided 2 retreat in2 the music of his teens; specifically Philly soul.

Prince wrote “The Most Beautiful Girl In The World” 4 his new fiancé, and belly dancer, Mayte Garcia, who was indeed quite hot. She had played an Egyptian princess on the deeply confusing “o+>” album– made even more confusing by Mayte being Puerto Rican – in which she evades assassins, guards something called the Three Chains Of Turin, and falls in love with Prince.

U will remember of course, that it was about this time that Prince not only changed his name to o+> but wrote “SLAVE” on his cheek.

This led 2 Prince starting up another label called NPG Records, or New Power Generation. 2 ensure that NPG Records was profitable, Prince needed a surefire hit. “The Most Beautiful Girl In The World” sounds like someone trying 2 write a surefire hit.

“Welcome 2 the Dawn” the video begins. “U have just accessed the Beautiful Experience. This experience will cover Courtship, Sex, Commitment, Fetishes, Loneliness, Vindication, Love and Hate. Please enjoy your experience.”

I think this is supposed 2 B a CD-ROM.

Whether or not U enjoy your experience will largely B determined by your position on such issues as excessive falsetto, gloopy arrangements, novelty sound effects – the tick-tock-ing of a clock, the dripping of tears – and lyrics about how if the stars fell, one by one, from the sky,

Prince knows that Mars, cannot B, 2 far behind, and honestly, what does any of that even mean?

Prince himself clearly loved “The Most Beautiful Girl…” 4 he released The Beautiful Experience EP: half an hour of seven different versions of “The Most Beautiful Girl In The World.” That’s just 2 much “The Most Beautiful Girl In The World!” Now, if he’d done it 4 “When Doves Cry”…

“The Most Beautiful Girl In The World” is a 7, but by Prince standards that’s like… about a 2?

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Meanwhile, In Prog-Grunge Land:

Billy Corgan used to be a little boy. Given the petulant pleading that was permanently in his voice, some might say he never stopped. I mean, the guy is in his 50s and people still call him Billy.

It will not surprise you to learn that “Disarm” is about Billy’s relationship with his parents. It will equally not surprise you to learn that this relationship was not a happy one. Billy’s parents did not understand Billy. Big deal, you might be thinking, no parents – with the possible exception of Lorelai Gilmore – understand their children.

This is Billy Corgan, and he turns it into a phenomenal orchestral experience, with timpani drums and xylophones popping off anywhere. Billy Corgan was the kind of little boy that could make his tantrums sound like he was soundtracking fireworks!

As Billy put it:

“The reason I wrote “Disarm” was because, I didn’t have the guts to kill my parents, so I thought I’d get back at them through song. And rather than have an angry, angry, angry violent song I’d thought I’d write something beautiful and make them realize what tender feelings I have in my heart, and make them feel really bad for treating me like shit.”

What a very mature and level-headed response of Billy.

Turns out “Disarm” is Billy’s mother’s favourite song on Siamese Dream, such is the love of mothers for songs with orchestras in them, even if said song is about being murdered by their son.

“Disarm” was written on a not particularly good day to be Billy Corgan (is any day a good day to be Billy Corgan?). He was considering committing suicide. Which as you probably know, is what chirpy wall-of-guitars classic “Today” – which he wrote on the same day! – is about (“Today” is an 8)

If the alternative revolution was the soundtrack of choice for unpopular school kids, then Billy Corgan was its ultimate spokesperson, at least partially because he seemed to enjoy talking so much. Also because his main rival, Kurt – him again! – a rival not only for the title of generational spokesperson, but for the affections of Courtney Love, whom Billy had spent a lot of time stalking, was now sadly no more.

Billy Corgan’s persona as the most unpopular kid in school was so well-formed – and seemingly justified – that even other members of the alternative scene couldn’t stand him. Here’s Kim Gordon’s reaction upon hearing from Courtney Love that she had had an affair with Billy:

“I thought, ewwww, at even the mention of Billy Corgan, whom nobody liked because he was such a crybaby, and Smashing Pumpkins took themselves way too seriously and were in no way punk rock.”

Even Courtney didn’t like him. She wrote “Violet” about him. Or as she put it “This is a song about a jerk. I hexed him and now he’s losing his hair.”

“Violet” is a 10.

One more story to use as an example, this time from an article in Spin Magazine: so both Smashing Pumpkins and Soundgarden are in Australia for the Big Day Out, and the Soundgarden guys are having some beers. Billy decides to join them with a margarita, because of course that’s what he drinks.

Billy takes over the conversation by talking about Jungian therapy (also about how much everyone else in his band sucks) and everybody rolls their eyes and tries to leave. Chris Cornell succeeds. Kim Thayil is stuck behind. Billy and Kim start having an argument about star signs and how Billy is sad that magazines always put him in the back of band photos because that means the photographers don’t think he’s “the cute one”. Kim tells him to grow up. Billy marches off in a strop. Kim is all like:

 “I bet he’s going to call his therapist in Chicago, wake her at four in the morning, and tell her about that big mean bear who made fun of him.”

The next day Billy goes up to Kim and tells him that he hurt his feelings. “You hurt me deeply” he says, “you hurt me in my heart.”

Maybe people need to hurt Billy Corgan’s feelings more.

It’s worth noting that the above story was in an article about Soundgarden. It was an edition of Spin with Soundgarden on the cover! But Billy Corgan’s ability to make everything all about himself, meant that the article ended up being half about Billy Corgan!

I spent a couple of days in Chicago about a decade ago. Despite it being almost two decades since the Pumpkins had been a thing, ‘Billy Corgan-is-such-an-asshole’ still seemed to be the most popular conversation topic in town. And this was when fellow Chi-Town denizen Kanye West was operating at – what at the time at least appeared to be – peak asshole-tensity!

Can you blame him really for sounding a like a cry-baby? Particularly when no-one has ever made sounding like a cry-baby sound as colossal as he did on “Disarm”?!

“Disarm” is a 9.

What a crazy time to have been alive!

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