About This Time 40 Years Ago… It’s The Hits Of April-ish 1984!

The Hottest Hit On The Planet:

Cyndi Lauper’s “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” recently topped one billion Spotify streams. Just think of that. Who knew there were that many bachelorette parties in the world!

By way of comparison, this is far, far more than the biggest hit by the woman who was about to completely wipe Cyndi off the charts.

At some moment in your life, you will have learnt that “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” is a cover. If you weren’t aware of this until now, then consider this that “moment.” You may not have ever bothered to track down the original though. Few people do. You may have imagined that the original was by a 60s girl group, and fair enough.

But alas, no, it was not.

“Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” was written – and recorded, although it never got past the demo phase – by Robert Hazard: A man famous for…

Robert was – at least at this point in his career (after stints as a folk singer, a country singer and a reggae singer, all with virtually zero success,) giving the New Wave pub-rocker sound a go. He sounded a little like a cross between Elvis Costello, Joe Jackson and Devo.

That sound wouldn’t really work for him either and he’d give electro-pop a shot. Nothing he ever did really did anything expect for “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.”

Robert’s version is clearly a very different song. Robert’s mother and father chastise him on how he’s living his life – like Cyndi, Robert was 30 at the time, and probably should have moved out of home by this time, but unlike Cyndi, Robert actually looked as though he was 30, and perhaps older – but he’s like, ‘but there’s so many girls out there who just wanna “have fun.”’

And when Robert sang “have fun”, you could be sure that he meant:

Cyndi gave the song a radical rewrite, completely changing its meaning. But she’d still have to spend a large chunk of 1984 trying to convince people that “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” didn’t necessarily mean “Girls Just Wanna Have Sex.” It shouldn’t’ve been so hard. For whether having sex or not, Cyndi always seemed to be having a whole lot of fun!

No-one had ever had quite as much fun as Cyndi.

Full of so much pep that she heads straight to the phone to call her friends up – after defeating her wrestling champion father, trapping him in an armlock…

Cyndi hiccups her way through “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” – as often happens to some people, when they are having too much fun – and there’s only one sort of solo with enough pep to cure the hiccups; and that’s one with the synthesizer on “Popcorn” setting!

On most records, that would be the most fun moment. But we are only at the halfway point! The peak of perkiness, the most fun moment of all (“THEY JUST WANNA!!!! THEY JUST WANNA-A-A-A-A!!!”) was still to come!

Cyndi was clearly a wacky, zany character. When news reporters came around to interview her, she said wacky and zany things:

Excellent questions.

Was it crazy, for example, to get Captain Lou Albano:

And: also hire him as her “advisor,” and according to some sources – i.e. himself – her manager and “discoverer?” Captain Lou Albano said a lot of things. Most of them weren’t true. He repeatedly claimed, for example, that he had written both “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” and “Time After Time.”

According to The New York Post – and supported by other more reputable sources – “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” was initially a huge flop. That’s hard to believe, I know. A song with such a “pow-pa-pow pow-pa-pow pow!” intro! A girl with those dance moves! A girl with that fashion sense!! A girl with that hair!!!

And yet, apparently, people were not being grabbed. The record company gave Cyndi two weeks to make it a hit – or they’d give up on it. They needed to come up with a marketing strategy, quick smart!

That marketing strategy was to go on the WWF, tell everyone that the Captain was her manager, and have them argue all the time, on stage, arguments that, at least once, turned into a great big fight!

Incredibly, that’s what it took to turn “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun,” quite possibly the most fun song ever produced, into a hit. The world would never be quite the same again.

“Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” is a 10.

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Meanwhile, in Stupid Hair Land:

Now, Cyndi’s hair would have to belong on The Mount Rushmore Of Iconic Hairstyles Of The 80s. No question. But who else’s hair also deserves that honour?

Many will instantly reach for the A Flock Of Seagulls guy. Others would go for Limahl from Kajagoogoo (and also “Never Ending Story”). The 80s produced a lot of excellent hair, it’s hard to whittle the list down. But another band should be considered in the running, and that band was the Thompson Twins.

To be precise, the Thompson Twins was that band.

The Thompson Twins was a weird name for The Thompson Twins, since the more observant of you will have noticed that there were three of them. This curious fact became almost as much of a talking point as their hair – Rolling Stone headline? “Why The Thompson Twins Don’t Add Up” – although three is at least closer to two than their original line up, when they had seven members.

The Thompson Twins were of course named after The Thompson Twins.

Very sadly, no band titled Captain Haddock has ever had a hit record. Billions of blistering barnacles in a thundering typhoon!!!

Of the three members of The Thompson Twins, it was Alannah Currie who sported the most notable specimen of spectacular follicular fashion.

Mostly Alannah banged the marimba, an important component of the Thompson Twins sound. Not as important though as her other role in band: that of The Thompson Twins stylist!

Alannah showed that you could do more with a mohawk than just style it into vertical spikes. You could turn it, for example, into a great big horse’s mane! In the video for “Hold Me Now,” Alannah is sadly wearing a hat. An outstanding hat it is true, but a hat nonetheless. To truly appreciate Alannah’s mane, you must go to the video of “Doctor, Doctor” (it’s a 6)

As percussionist and stylist, Alannah may have been the most critical member of The Thompson Twins, but she was not the lead singer.

That was Tom Bailey.

So for all of you wondering, like Mark Knopfler, buddy, is that his real hair?; the answer is… no! Not all of it anyway.

“Hold Me Now” is a ballad. What, with Spandau Ballet’s “True” (it’s an 8) coming out at about the same time, the New Romantics were clearly drifting off into their radio ballad phase. This seems to be the way that most musical revolutions end. To be precise: most musical revolutions end this way, it seems.

The Thompson Twins may have looked ridiculous. To be precise, they did look ridiculous. But they proved that even the use of enough hairspray to single handedly create a hole in the ozone layer was not enough to dull their ability to write sad poetry.

Tom and Alannah had had a fight. “Hold Me Now” is about that fight. They clearly made up though. Otherwise, “Hold Me Now” would never have been recorded, and we wouldn’t be here talking about it. Alannah held Tom now and warmed his heat. Oh-Woah, Oh-Woah!

And thus it was proven: that even 80s hairbands have feelings, too.

“Hold Me Now” is an 8.

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Meanwhile, in Halloween Classic Land:

I don’t think I’ll be upsetting too many people by suggesting that “Somebody’s Watching Me” is a B-Grade “Thriller.”

Since B-Grade horror movies are the best horror movies, “Somebody’s Watching Me” ought to be – at least in theory – better than “Thriller.”

But obviously it is not.

One reason I don’t think I’ll be upsetting too many people by suggesting that “Somebody’s Watching Me” is a B-Grade “Thriller” is that it was clearly written, recorded, and released with the aim of being a B-Grade “Thriller.” I mean, the thing does have Rockwell childhood-friend Michael Jackson, singing the chorus.

The thing also features Rockwell reciting his verses in what is either an atrocious English accent (why?)

Read them, if you dare!

Then the disco strings play the Twilight Zone theme song.

“Somebody’s Watching Me” came out at the perfect time for a B-Grade “Thriller” to come out. “Thriller” – the single – had only just peaked on the Billboard Hot 100 a month before, in March 1984.

Even the “Thriller” video – released a couple of months before the “Thriller” single – didn’t come out before Halloween. The “Thriller” video was released on December 2^nd. That’s over a month after Halloween! Who’s making these decisions?!?!

I find this almost as mystifying as the question of why anyone thought it was a good idea to release “The Girl Is Mine” as the lead single! Or: to include “The Girl Is Mine” on “Thriller,” at all!

Now, “Thriller” is the ultimate Halloween party song. No question. The presence of Michael Jackson on “Somebody’s Watching Me” provides a huge boost to “Somebody’s Watching Me” Halloween party song credentials, of which the song would otherwise – Twilight Zone disco strings not withstanding – have none.

I mean, not having any privacy – as any teenager will tell you – is a scary predicament. But it’s not a SCARY predicament, if you know what I mean.

Rockwell’s credentials themselves – his pop star credentials that is – were also disappointingly slight. He was just an average man. But he didn’t lead an average life… for Rockwell was a Gordy!

That’s the Gordy family. The owners of Motown Records, to which he was signed.

But “his father not knowing about it” doesn’t necessarily mean that the Motown minions weren’t aware of who he was. It would have been a difficult secret to keep from them.

“I guess they liked my music,” Rockwell replied, an implausible theory.

I hope the minion didn’t get fired. After all, Motown did get one hit out of it. Or, to be generous, one-and-a-half hits. There was also this horror show!

“Obscene Phone Caller” is a 3.

But Rockwell didn’t only have family connections, even if those family connections were dead set against him having anything to do with the family business.

According to an interview with Rolling Stone magazine, Rockwell also had God on his side! He had written “Somebody’s Watching Me” in his bedroom, after praying to God to give him the talent to write a hit single.

Rockwell was inspired, it appears, by himself. Since he was constantly playing pranks on his girlfriend, frightening her whenever she was in the shower! It turns out that the monster… was inside him all along!

Clearly there’s something about “Somebody’s Watching Me” that inspires so-bad-it’s-goodness, as a decade later it would be back near the top of the charts – in Europe anyway – under the guise of “Somebody Dance With Me” by Eurodance rapping dofus DJ Bobo!

• “Somebody’s Watching Me” is a 6.

• “Somebody Dance With Me” is a 7.

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Meanwhile, in Soundtrack Land:

Footloose – the movie – is to the 80s, what Grease was to the 70s: a never-ending parade of iconic scenes, an assembly line of monster hits.

Based purely on the sheer volume of records it sold, Footloose probably exceeds the combined total of every movie John Hughes ever made, even though it contains not a single song that Kevin Bacon’s character – Ren – would likely ever dance to.

Well, who doesn’t?!?

I cannot imagine Ren getting down to “Let’s Hear It For The Boy” even though it does contain a beat so simple even an uncoordinated cowboy could learn to dance to it.

A lot of people have a lot of questions about “Let’s Hear It For The Boy.” Mostly along the lines of, “this guy is absolutely useless, why is Denise Williams wasting her time with this loser?” But pop music has long had a tradition of “in love with a scrub” songs, of which The Crystals’ “He’s Sure The Boy I Love” may be the all-time greatest. But that’s a story for another column.

“Let’s Hear It For The Boy” is a 6.

I can’t picture Ren owning a copy of “Footloose,” either. But the kid is in Utah.

Which it is because it seems to follow them everywhere. Within the “Footloose”-verse, “Footloose” gets the cowboys excited even more than John Cougar Mellancamp’s “Hurts So Good.”

Footloose is obviously a fantasy movie. No teenager loves dancing as Ren and his friends do.

Maybe it’s different now. High school dances in the 80s sucked!

One of the reasons why high school dances in the 80s sucked was because the DJ always played “Footloose.” Also, “Nutbush City Limits.” Also, “The Time Warp.”

High School Dances in the 80s followed a very strict, very streamlined and very predictable playlist.

Maybe our hesitance had something to do with the sense that there was something missing. Something we were all subconsciously waiting for. Something like Kevin Bacon bursting through the door, shouting “what is this I see?… I thought this was a party… LET’S DANCE!!!!”

Maybe that’s why we so rarely cut “Footloose.”

“Footloose” is an 8.

But really, let’s be honest: there’s only one Footloose song worth dancing to.

Or at least worth playing chicken with tractors to – and that’s “Holdin’ Out For A Hero” by Bonnie Tyler, which pounds out all the bombast of “Total Eclipse Of The Heart” with the added bombast of a gay club track!

Surprising thing about this scene: it’s the other guy who has the boombox! It’s the other guy who’s playing “Holdin’ Out For A Hero!”

 Sometimes, this stupid-ass movie just makes no sense.

“Holding Out For A Hero” is a 10!

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Meanwhile, in Sex Land:

Frankie said,‘Relax’ You knew that Frankie said ‘Relax’ because you could buy t-shirts boasting Frankie Says Relax.

That’s how big Frankie Goes To Hollywood were in the UK in the Summer of ’84. The summer that Frankie Goes To Hollywood were the Biggest Band In The Land.

Frankie Goes To Hollywood were not exactly a band. They were more like an experiment. An experiment of ZTT Records – or Zang Tumb Tuum, a business name that makes about as much sense as anything else they ever did – who in turn were less like a record label and more like a collective of pop theorists, putting their wild, crazy, anarchic theories of cultural mayhem into practice!

Not many record labels are founded by NME music journalists/critics!

Together they were looking for the ultimate band to manufacture. They wanted Bronski Beat at first, but Jimmy Somerville turned them down. It wouldn’t have worked anyway. Jimmy just wanted to get through his life without having to constantly deal with the homophobia that came with just being who he was.

ZTT had a different approach; they wanted the most out-and-proud gang of guys they could find. The type of guys who would write a song filled with sex advice and sex-related sound effects. Frankie Goes To Hollywood were that gang of guys.

Frankie Goes To Hollywood were not necessarily the gang of guys on the record about sex advice and sex-related sound effects, though.

Sound effects such as a whole lot of laser-like explosions which are very, very clearly supposed to represent a gallon of semen squirting everywhere! Those lasers may be a sample of the band jumping into a pool… the only contribution by any non-Holly members of the band to the final product.

– both Radio One and Top Of The Pops, even during the weeks it was Number One! – thereby ensuring that fans would need to buy the thing in order to hear it.

The official reason for the ban?: “BBC TV believes that the lyrics of this song are sexually explicit and not suitable for viewing in family viewing time.”

It’s honestly hard to disagree with them.

 I remember one karaoke video that insisted that the words included “semen… feel it.” It’s not “semen”, it’s “scene of love.” But it’s an understandable mistake.

I also always thought it was “sock it to it.” Everybody did. Holly insists however that it’s “when you wanna suck it, chew it.” Which sounds like painful advice.

Probably the most mystifying element of the ban is that it took so long. The BBC played “Relax” for several weeks before the penny finally dropped as to what it was about. Which lyric do you think finally tipped them off? My vote is for “COME…. WOARGGJHHH!”

Or was it the marketing campaign?

ZTT’s marketing strategy for the entire Frankie Goes To Hollywood project was to release singles, discussing the big issues, in the following order:

• Sex: That would be this one.
• War: I’ll be discussing that one soon!
• Religion: Did they skip this one? Or is “The Power Of Love” about religion?

Paul Morley was definitely scheming those schemes! That’s why “Relax” hit the charts with laser-beam precision!

And still it took the BBC several weeks to notice!

“Relax” is a 9.

The whole New Romantic – and its various offshoots – movement would die soon after Frankie arrived. Was it just that every musical movement comes with planned obsolescence built in? Was it because AIDS set acceptance of gay lifestyles back a decade or more?

Or was it because, after Frankie Goes To Hollywood, there was simply no further that pop music could shoot in that direction without turning into Sigue Sigue Sputnik?

“Love Missile F1-11” is an 8.

What a rad time to have been alive!

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