Be Excellent to Each Other…

Everyone has a story, everyone has a reason for why they are the person they are.

tnocs.com contributing author dutchg8r
 

I know we say it a lot over in our parent location, how refreshing it is to have such a friendly open minded group of posters, but I can’t begin to tell you what a delight it is for me personally to chat with folks who actually behave like mature adults.

And knowing that is our gracious host mt’s wish, to retain that supportive openness where – egads! – all opinions are welcome, I thought I might take the opportunity to share some reasons why it doesn’t hurt to be reminded every now and then why it matters. Not to mention, help tnocs.com with some additional content on its journey.

(And it’d be more entertaining for me than writing up technical documents and Work Instructions for work.)

No doubt I tend to come across to people like a really obnoxious wannabe jokester who has no concept of the real world. (Or so I’ve been told…) Granted, I realized my niche in school growing up was making people laugh, so it’s second nature for me now to converse the way I do. Defuse situations with a well timed light hearted comment, relate to strangers by cracking a relevant joke so they feel more comfortable, keep people on their toes with some bizarre reference while making a joke, things like that.

But I also do it to make myself laugh. If others laugh too, that’s just a bonus as far as I’m concerned. But it’s a vital tool in managing my personal well being as a caregiver.

Without going into too much detail, my husband has been diagnosed with lifelong Severe PTSD. The doctor who diagnosed him, when he was 40, told us in all sincerity she had never encountered anyone else in her career that had suffered and survived as much trauma as he had during his lifetime. She could think of only one patient who even came close, and all he wanted to do was just stab everybody. So the fact that my husband had not only survived and remained a decent human, but that he had done so completely on his own without professional assistance until then, she found it not only remarkable, but a pretty substantial miracle. It was the first time someone other than myself validated that journey for him, and it was overwhelming to say the least.

Due to his traumatic experiences in his younger years, he was never provided with any of the basic family structures and life lessons that many of us took for granted as we were children. When I first arrived at the office where he already was an employee, everyone told me how their resident computer guru was this super smart guy, but he had no sense of humor. Numerous coworkers said to me – don’t bother telling him a joke, he won’t get it. Nobody bothered to take the time to understand there was nothing humorous in his life, so what reason did he have to joke around. Ahh, if only they could see the goofball he is now!! (I’m pretty proud of my work, lol)

He is by far the most intelligent person I have ever met in my life, and so many things that he sees as common sense I’m always telling him – no, it’s not, people pay money to take college courses to be taught this and they still don’t get it. But social interactions have damaged him so much over the years he wants nothing to do with the world. And that’s not his fault – he was denied so much in his formative years, it’s impossible for him to not be hyper vigilant and sensitive. And unfortunately, those qualities are viewed more often than not by others as something negative.

Most people these days can be quite selfish in their conversations and interactions, and many seem to get bent out of shape around him (the phrase “I Feel Like I’m Walking On Eggshells Around You” has been said far too many times). But I know it’s not everyone’s intent to be mean or rude, and if only they stopped for just an extra second or two to contemplate really what and how to say the next words out of their mouth, then and only then can the phase “trying to be a good person” be applied to them.

I’ve seen for 22 years how others behave around him, and I’ve also seen how quickly they judge him and get weirded out by him – it’s like interacting with an autistic person. People who don’t know how to deal with it just want to run away immediately, and if they can’t do that, they’ll resort to treating him poorly to make him go away. Terribly hurtful and unfair. If they just gave him 5 minutes of being non- judgmental, listened to him, and were willing to be understanding of why he reacts to things the way he does, they would find the most fascinating person to converse with, and have a loyal friend forever possibly.

Learning over the years how to understand PTSD and its impact on him, I have become so much more mindful of how I interact with others. I try to treat everyone equal, I have tamped down my cattiness because that’s just my being shallow and judgmental, and I always try to be mindful of understanding there’s a reason behind people’s actions. The officeplace is a large melting pot of personalities; to be an effective team member, you need to recognize all those differences and respect their strengths and weaknesses. That understanding and tolerance goes quite a ways in a professional environment.

Problem is these days, I see more and more examples of people being selfish – “it’s MY way or no way; only my opinion is the right one.” “Oh, that person is acting or saying things I don’t like, they must be evil.” If only just a handful of people each day would stop and pause before reacting to something, they might learn something, better themselves and make someone’s day, and the next day it might spread to a few more…

Pause. Listen. Be considerate. Everyone has a story, everyone has a reason for why they are the person they are. Recognize their humanity, and that we all have life issues; see if you can be the person they remember for the next week for being so kind and understanding. It unfortunately rarely happens with my husband when we leave the house, but when it does, he will remember it vividly for months, if not years. And every time I ask myself – why can’t that happen more often?!

Oh. And Party on, Dudes.

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