A musical multiverse and alternate history of missed opportunities
“Let’s Give It Up For…”
Watts Wy:
A middling jazz-rock quartet.
Sometimes a trio, whenever the lead singer got too big for his genie trousers, or if the guitarist missed another recording session/gig/meeting with manager/lunch date.
- One minor hit: a 6/8 time skiffle thing that was big in Manchester, ‘You Always Get What You Want.’
- Opened for the Kinks’ during their 1969 world tour, but failed to capitalize on their big break when half the band disappeared for a month into the Outback before a performance in Canberra.
Broke up when the drummer’s wife slept with the band’s accountant, the road manager seduced the lead guitarist’s longtime girlfriend’s older sister, and the guy in the rear became a Methodist.
“OK, Passaic, Put Your Hands Together For… “
VanHalen Anth:
Started out as a power punk band, shifted to northern African shoegaze, then bubblecore.
Eventually transmogrified into hard disco with their first hit, ‘The Beat (Will Set You Free.)“
- Known today for the imaginative, airtight stylings of their legendary rhythm section and the fevered wailings of their emotive yet mannered lead singer, Dave Roth.
- Now tour on the legacy dance band circuit with the SOS Band, Dan Hartman, and Morrissey.
- Made a cameo in the William Freidkin nightclub drama, A Trenton Story.
Survived internecine sex shenanigans by becoming a quinthrouple, an arrangement that continues to this day.
“Theatre-Kid Day In The Park Presents:”
Taylor Deac:
Another band from England who never made it big beyond a single appearance on the Top 40 with a remake of the old The Aristocrats chestnut, “Scales and Arpeggios.“
- Considered ‘too scruffy and craven’ to feature on MTV.
- After their breakup, the lead singer and bassist became MPs from Shropshire and Dwelve, respectively, while the drummer and guitarist run a food truck specializing in curried chicken and fried sweetmeats.
Were actually ‘too scruffy and craven’ to engender any public erotic entanglements of note. Thank God.
“The Shelby County 4-H Fair Is Pleased To Welcome…”
Sumner Cope:
A legend in Frankfurt, Kentucky. And nowhere else.
- Had one regional hit, a countrified salsa cut titled “A Man For all Seasonings.” Were about to break nationally when they imploded at a show in Knoxville and traded gunfire onstage.
- Subsequent efforts by management to reform the band ended with lawsuits, food fights, and, yes, more armed conflict.
- The bassist went on to fame as a stage thespian who specializes in Shakespearean fathers-in-law.
- The guitarist now writes underground comics advocating sun worship while moonlighting as a session musician in Paraguay.
- The drummer flogs scented waffles online.
They all hated each other too much to engage in any sketchy personal liaisons.
“And, Our Next ‘Open Mic Tuesday At The Apollo’ Act Is…”
Henley Meis:
A soul band from various towns in the Lower Midwest, they became the quintessential one-hit wonder with their treacly and semi-spiritual chart-topper, “God’s Little Acre (Is Enough For Me).”
Noted music critic Tom Breihan called this one:
‘the most execrable song to ever climb to the prime position on the Billboard Top 40 list, and possibly the worst charting hit ever, depending on whether I heard “Penny Lane” on Spotify in the previous two weeks.’
- Glenn Frey, the band’s rhythm guitarist, had the only notable career after the band’s demise, playing Phil Collins in the roadshow version of Genesis jukebox musical, Wankerphrenia.
- Henley Meis’ tours were known for sex, drugs, and quiet storms, which hastened their demise but resulted in a clutch of illegitimate children:
All of whom were loved and cherished and grew into responsible adults.
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It took me awhile to figure out what this was, because I’m slow, but I think I have the hang of it. How about Panayiotou Ridge? It sounds like the name of a Y.A. drama that takes place at a Greek boarding school, and not as catchy as Wham!, but hey, maybe they would have had some hits.
Took me a couple entries, too, and made me wonder if Starr Har would have been as big as The Beatles.
Not likely. The original idea was that the band names would follow the ‘full drummer last name / half of bassist’s last name’ pattern. But, of course, Starr Mac (Macca?) were destined for infamy as a Herman’s Hermit’s knockoff who somehow overshadowed the original. Left on the cutting room floor: Bonham Jo, Moon Ent (that one had some Middle Earth potential), McCarrol McG, Grohl Novo, Wright Pritch, Ulrich News, and, of course, Mullen Clay (a great real band name, if anyone’s looking).
I realized the drummer/bassist scheme after posting, though I still like the rhyming of Starr Har. It also means the band I’m playing with now should be Kendrick Boi, which has all sorts of hip hop references we’re not worthy of.
Wait; I can’t believe I missed that? It’s drummer/bassist. For Shame!
I was just working with two members from the same band.
As was I
I did one without thinking it through. Oof.
To keep the joint respectful and SFW, I flipped it.
Let’s go with Fagen Beck.
Here is another thought. If Mick Fleetwood and John McVie had soon departed from Fleetwood Mac, and Peter Green stayed, and somehow Lindsay Buckingham still ended up in the band, they could have changed their name to Green Buck, specializing of course in corporate rock.
Punk offers up a couple of unpleasant options;
Rotten Vic
Sensible Scab