Maybe we can blame it on the arms-race-level of pumpkin spice proliferation:
Over the past twenty or so years, October 31 has truly come into its own. People love Halloween.
I am sure that many of our readers become inspired and want to get into the… {insert your choice of spooky SFX here} …spirit of things.
You know the drill: step it up a bit, and jump in with both feet for a truly festive All Hallows Eve.
Perhaps you want to make a macabre statement?
Making the homestead all creepy-like, for the little ghosts and goblins? Perfect.
Maybe you’re preparing to answer the door wearing a kid-friendly, non-terrifying costume?
Adorable.
There’s certainly a time and a place for all of this unbridled, headless-horseman-worthy creativity. But when it comes to the main event: the doorbell ring, and the subsequent and delightful sound of “Trick Or Treat!” – here’s a pro-tip:
The Kids. Just. Want. The Candy.
That’s it. Candy. Don’t overthink it.
And although mediocre quality, mass-produced confections have been the go-to front-porch Halloween currency for nearly a century, there are some very real – and very odd alternatives that inexplicably, are gaining in popularity.
New ideas from folks who want to prove that they can think outside the Milk Duds box. Generally, I like forward thinkers. But in each of these particular cases, I would say:
Save yourself the embarrassment, and don’t even think about handing out…
A Bag Of Pennies
A 2017 study maintained that if you make earned greater than $36000 annually, it was not worth your time to pick up a penny from the sidewalk.
Hang on a sec while I calculate the 2024 number…
… adjusted for inflation…
… completely off the top of my head
….while stealthily deploying the graphing calculator on my phone…
OK, got it: That would now be precisely $45,739. That’s a lot of bending over.
If you still have the desire to clean out your kitchen junk drawer and give out orphaned pennies, please remember: Any kid can clearly see that a Ziploc-ed bag of copper Lincolns is a pittance.
These days, even the Tooth Fairy manages to cough up a fiver.
What You Will Hear As The Kids Leave Your Front Steps:
“Nine whole cents? Wait until I tell Dad – Now I can go to college.”
A Bottle Of Hand Sanitizer
This started to be a thing a few years back, for reasons that you doubtless remember.
It should be a disturbing memory representing the horror of the early 2020s.
But inexplicably, handing out a tube of Purell has somehow lived on as a Halloween staple. It’s well meaning, practical, and about as un-fun as anything could possibly get.
What You Will Hear As The Kids Leave Your Front Steps:
“Whelp. Time to fire up Zoom for tomorrow’s English class – Looks like Covid is back.”
Little Toothbrushes
Is it me, or does this come off a little sanctimonious? Sure, excessive sugar consumption is not great for a child’s dental hygiene. But on this candy-centric day, it feels like a killjoy move. It’s deflating.
The kids are hoping to see that purple-Witch-hatted Mom-Witch in the photo above. Instead, they get Debbie Downer, guilt-tripping the night away.
“Did you know that Jawbreakers are the leading cause of mandible fractures in children under 11?
“Whopper-whomp…“
What You Will Hear As The Kids Leave Your Front Steps:
“OK, gang. On to the next house. I can hardly wait to get some Travel-Size Pepsodent.”
A Bag Of Nuts
“But, mt,” you protest, “nuts are high in selenium. High in fiber. They are tasty. They are healthy. And they are found inside dozens of brands of candy bars”
All true. But you just made my argument for me:
They are found inside candy bars. A resident ingredient. Baked in. Quite literally.
And irrespective of the nutritional benefit:
Said no little kid ever in a supermarket checkout line:
“But Maaaaahhhh, Jaden’s mother lets him get pistachios!”
What You Will Hear As The Kids Leave The Front Steps:
“No, Becca – YOU’RE the squirrel.”
Pencils
You can just imagine the big annual marketing conclave this past June, at Eberhard Faber:
“Listen up, team. We’ve only got five months to pull this off. I want every one of you working on this now. Socials… LinkedIn… reaching out to every Staples buyer in the country… Because we intend for our Number Two to be NUMBER ONE for Halloween!
Sorry. I’ve obviously been in too many such meetings this year. But even if Big Graphite had nothing to do with it, pencils have become an actual trick-or-treat option.
I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that we’re proactively reminding the children of homework, while they are just going about their annual job of being super-cute for a paltry package of Sour Patch Kids.
What You Will Hear As The Kids Leave The Front Steps:
“I can’t wait to get home. Instead of sorting my candy, I think I’ll do some long division.”
A Bag Of Cereal
If you absolutely insist on this terrible idea, at least make it something interesting. Something colorful, like Lucky Charms. Or Fruity Pebbles.
Double Bonus Points for all of you who thought of more obvious choices, like Count Chocula and FrankenBerry.
Disclaimer: I don’t know if these brands still exist. Normally, I’d stop here to research, but I’m so disgusted with the idea, I can’t muster the will to check.
Double Minus Points if you went with granola.
What You Will Hear As The Kids Leave The Front Steps:
“No, Ameliah. I don’t have a spoon. Be resourceful. Use the toothbrush.”
Plastic Vampire Teeth / Wax Lips
No. Just stop. These were never funny. They were never scary. And no, I will not admit to eating an entire pair of wax lips in second grade because that big jerkhead Billy Applebaumner assured me that they were digestible candy.
What You Will Hear As The Kids Leave The Front Steps:
“This is just like when we saw Mom and Dad playing that Rocky Horror Movie Game.”
I hope this has been a helpful public service. And whatever you end up buying at Costco, make sure that the selection has more than a few of your personal favorites. You know, just in case you give in to temptation and have a personal sugar-fest of your own.
And if you go the distance, finish the bag, and run out of candy? Never fear: There is a last give-out option.
But be careful: When it comes to Halloween, these kids mean business.
And they’re gonna hold you to it.
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We live at the end of a cul-de-sac and rarely get any trick or treaters. Any of these would keep them away for good, but I wouldn’t try the first one. That bag of pennies could be coming right back at your windows.
I recently heard someone suggest just putting an empty bowl outside the door for the night. Kids will assume somebody took all the candy and just move on.
Do kids egg houses and tp on Halloween anymore? I haven’t seen it or heard about it happening around here. I remember my older brother telling me that he went trick or treating with a group of kids that pulled out bags of paint to throw at houses. That was way out of his league and he got out of there fast.
Happy Halloween, everyone.
With the ubiquity of cell phones and security cameras these days, kids can’t get away with these shenanigans anymore
Darn it.
Wait, is it the Pepsodent with whitening? That stuff’s pretty good.
Halloween isn’t as big here, some take it very seriously and go to town, others ignore it best they can – that old trick of sitting in darkness to discourage the persistent knocking of little hands. That was my mum’s approach to Halloween; door shut, lights out, there’ll be no treats from this house. Obviously double standards were at play, she had no problem with us going out knocking on doors.
We’re always prepared, some years we get a steady stream, others we get no visitors. Which means more sweets for us.
I’ve not heard of any of those ‘treats’ being given away. I think the reaction of the little cherubs would range from abject disappointment to a demonstration of how grown up and expansive their vocabulary is.
I am a little grumpy about Halloween. I think trick-or-treating is a great little tradition, and I love pumpkins, but some people spend so, so much money going overboard with crazy amounts of decorations. I guess the way folks spend their own money is their business, but it just seems crazy for such a little holiday. Halloween is starting to creep backwards into September.
Christmas seems like a more warm and cozy holiday to me, and decorating for it bothers me less, but it still shouldn’t begin before Thanksgiving (my favorite holiday).
My daughter is pretty much with you on your last point. She’s 13 now and for several years has repeated the assertion that Christmas preparations should not begin until December 1st.
Smart girl
Once when my kid was younger, one house in the neighborhood was giving away full size candy bars.
He and his friends stopped by twice!
That’s the way to do it — be the house where kids come back for seconds.
About 10-15 years ago there was a brief movement in our town. For a year or two the school tried to raise money for something by having the kids take bags supplied by the school and request donations from homes where they were trick or treating. While the donations were going to a good cause, I did not like the precedent of pre-empting the fun trick or treating tradition with a money-making effort. Very bad choice. Luckily that trend went away after a year or so…probably because everyone else recognized what a lousy idea it was.
At my Safeway, I buy that exact size and brand of pistachios. It costs $6.99. For the salted, sure, I’ll pony up. But, unsalted? No. I’ll buy the inferior in-store pistachios. Also, I just found out that my favorite kid days cereal stopped production three years ago. Alpha-bits.