No one expects the pop inquisition
Pop / Rock stars are an inquisitive lot.
They’re always searching for answers.
Asking the important questions.
Or the not so important questions.
Case in point; who put the bomp in the bomp bomp bomp? I don’t know the answer to that one. Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn perhaps?
Let’s try, ‘Welcome to the Gulag California’….?”
There’ve been a lot of questions posed over the years. So I’ve decided to provide some answers.
Michael Bolton
“Can I Touch You…There?”
Cool your boots, Michael, we’ve not even met. Buy me dinner first and we’ll see how it goes.
The Bellamy Brothers
“If I Said You Had A Beautiful Body Would You Hold It Against Me?”
What is it with horny pop stars? Sleaze is not excused by clever wordplay.
Lonnie Donegan
“Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavour (On The Bedpost Overnight)?”
The flavour isn’t my biggest concern, Lonnie. More that the chewing gum will be rock hard the next morning. You’re not really putting that back in your mouth, are you?
David Bowie
“Is There Life On Mars?”
Not currently. But I’m hopeful some tech billionaires will get themselves stranded there.
Gary Numan / Tubeway Army
“Are ‘Friends’ Electric?”
More likely battery powered.
A Tribe Called Quest
“Can I Kick It?”
Yes, you can.
John Lennon
“How Do You Sleep?”
The classic option: lay down, close my eyes and let nature take its course.
Baha Men
“Who Let The Dogs Out?”
It was a guy on the street over from us. During COVID lockdown, he kept letting his disagreeable Yorkshire Terriers run free. They’d come into our garden, crap on the lawn, and run off barking like a pair of whooping jackasses.
Gwen Stefani
“What You Waiting For?”
Usually my wife. Am I right, men?!
(This joke was brought to you by the 1950s and its use is meant to come off as purely ironic in a way that allows the author to have his cake and eat it.)
Frank Zappa
“Why Does It Hurt When I Pee?”
There’s a range of options, all variations of unpleasantness. Go see your friendly, local health care representative and take your pick from:
- Urinary Tract Infection
- Sexually Transmitted Infection
- Kidney stones
- Urethritis
- Interstitial cystitis
- Urethral stricture
Joe Jackson
“Is She Really Going Out With Him?”
‘Fraid so, Joe. What is she even thinking? Have you seen the state of him? So basic.
The Beatles
“Why Don’t We Do It In The Road?”
A sense of decorum. We’re not animals.
Dionne Warwick
“Do You Know The Way To San Jose?”
No. But we now have Google Maps to take care of all your directional quandaries.
The Lovin’ Spoonful
“Do You Believe in Magic?”
If you’re referring to the Olivia Newton-John song, then I’d say yes. The majority of tnocs residents certainly do.
Queen
“Who Wants To Live Forever?”
This guy.
I wish him well in his quest. Tech moguls outliving their inbuilt obsolescence and using up our natural resources is just what we need. If he can go to Mars to do it, I’ll be happy to wave him off and wish him luck.
Band Aid
“Do They Know It’s Christmas?”
Given the number of times this is played every December, they should do.
Creedence Clearwater Revival
“Have You Ever Seen The Rain?”
I live in England. What do you think?
Travis
“Why Does It Always Rain On Me?”
You’re Scottish.
Peabo Bryson
“Can You Stop The Rain?”
No. I refer you to my response to CCR. Get an umbrella and get used to it.
The Clash
“Should I Stay Or Should I Go?”
Let’s look at the options:
- Stay = There will be trouble. Hmmm, that doesn’t sound good
- Go = It will be double
OK, this doesn’t sound like much of a dilemma to me. Your options are bad or twice as bad. The trouble we have here is lazy songwriting. You’ve taken the easy route of rhyming trouble and double without considering the narrative. Don’t worry though, no one will notice for a good few decades.
Bo Diddley
“Who Do You Love?”
That’s an easy one: Mrs J.
Eric Clapton
“Have You Ever Loved A Woman?”
See above.
Bryan Adams
“Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman?”
I’m sensing an agenda here. Yes. I really have loved a woman. Still do. Satisfied now?
Ace
“How Long Has This Been Going On?”
Since the dawn of time: When the first two apes disagreed over whether free will truly exists and the bigger ape settled it by beating the other to a bloody pulp.
War
“Why Can’t We Be Friends?”
- You’re a sociopathic narcissist.
- The unnatural orange tan.
- Everything that you say and do.
AᗺᗺA
“Does Your Mother Know?”
I sincerely hope not.
Elton John
“Can You Feel The Love Tonight?”
Ask me again after Michael Bolton has taken me to dinner.
Frank Sinatra
“How Old Am I?”
If you have to ask, you probably don’t want to know the answer. Let’s just say you’re gonna need a bigger birthday cake for all those candles.
Pet Shop Boys & Dusty Springfield
“What Have I Done To Deserve This?”
What have I done? Where do I start?
- In third grade, I cheated on my history exam.
- In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max’s toupee and I glued it on my face when I played Moses in my Hebrew School play.
- In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog…
And then, my mom sent me to the… to the summer camp for fat kids… and then they served lunch, I got nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out! - But, the worst thing I ever done: I mixed up all this fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, t-t-then, I made a noise like this: Heeuuurrggghhh.
And then, I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other.
And I never felt so bad in my entire life! - Karma, eh?!
Pulp
“Do You Remember The First Time?”
Yes. But a gentleman never tells.
Jimmy Ruffin
“What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted?”
They’re rendered worthless and stripped for parts.
Chicago
“Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?”
I know what you mean. The clock on our car dashboard is always several minutes fast. Doesn’t matter how often we reset it—within a week it’s back to its premature timekeeping.
Shirley Ellis
“Ever See a Diver Kiss His Wife While the Bubbles Bounce About Above The Water?”
Very weirdly specific. I’m going with no.
The String-A-Longs
“Am I Asking Too Much?”
Way too much. I’m inherently lazy.
Badly Drawn Boy
“Have You Fed The Fish?”
When did we get fish? You can take that as a no.
Peggy Lee
“Is That All There Is?”
That’s what she said the first time.
Connie Francis
“Who’s Sorry Now?”
Me. For starting this. And you for reading this far.
Over to you:
Anyone else have any answers to the big questions?
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Well this is a bit of fun. How about the answer to each song’s question coming from someone else’s song title? Such as-
Michael Bolton- “Can I Touch You…There?”
The Tubes- “Don’t Touch Me There”
The Bellamy Brothers- “If I Said You Had A Beautiful Body Would You Hold It Against Me?”
Meghan Trainor- “No”
Lonnie Donegan- “Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavour (On The Bedpost Overnight)?”
B.B. King- “The Thrill is Gone”
David Bowie- “Is There Life on Mars?”
Foo Fighters- “Stranger Things Have Happened”
A Tribe Called Quest- “Can I Kick It?”
MC5- “Kick Out the Jams”
John Lennon- “How Do You Sleep?”
5th Dimension- “(Last Night) I Didn’t Get to Sleep At All.”
Gwen Stefani- “What You Waiting For?”
Jennifer Lopez- “Waiting for Tonight”
Frank Zappa- “Why Does It Hurt When I Pee?”
The Police- “Too Much Information”
The Beatles (Paul)- “Why Don’t We Do It In The Road?”
The Beatles (John)- “You’ve Got To Hide Your Love Away”
Dionne Warwick- “Do You Know The Way To San Jose?”
The Doors- “You’re Lost Little Girl”
The Lovin’ Spoonful- “Do You Believe in Magic?”
The Darkness- “I Believe in a Thing Called Love”
Queen- “Who Wants To Live Forever?”
Rod Stewart- “Seems Like a Long Time”
CCR- “Have You Ever Seen The Rain?”
Blind Melon- “No Rain”
Peabo Bryson- “Can You Stop the Rain?”
Peter Criss- “I Can’t Stop the Rain”
The Clash- “Should I Stay or Should I Go?”
Maurice Williams & The Zodiacs “Stay”
Bo Diddley- “Who Do You Love?”
Marilyn Monroe- “My Heart Belongs to Daddy”
Eric Clapton- “Have You Ever Loved A Woman?”
Leo Sayer- “More Than I Can Say”
Ace- “How Long Has this Been Going On”
Christina Perri- “A Thousand Years”
War- “Why Can’t We Be Friends”
Drake- “You Broke My Heart”
ABBA- “Does Your Mother Know?”
Shenandoah- “Mama Knows”
Elton John- “Can You Feel the Love Tonight?”
Belly- “Can’t Feel a Thing”
Frank Sinatra- “How Old Am I?”
Ringo Starr- “You’re Sixteen”
Pet Shop Boys and Dusty Springfield- “What Have I Done To Deserve This?”
Camila Cabello and Machine Gun Kelly- “Bad Things”
Jimmy Ruffin- “What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted?”
Ozzy Osbourne- “I Don’t Know”
The String-a-Longs- “Am I Asking Too Much?”
Marcus Miller- “Much Too Much”
Peggy Lee- “Is That All There Is?” Genesis- “That’s All”
Connie Francis- “Who’s Sorry Now?”
Brenda Lee- “I’m Sorry”
Love this column, JJ, and rb’s amendment. In that spirit, I’ll add one:
Van Halen: “Why Can’t This Be Love?”
Ringo Starr: “You’re Sixteen”
Perfect. Ringo is quite possibly the answer to most questions in life.
Spinners: Could It Be I’m Falling in Love?
Alanis Morissette: You Oughta Know
Whitney Houston: “How Will I Know?”
Betty Everett: “It’s In His Kiss”
Great! I was trying to think of a clever song response for that one, and you beat me to it.
The Three Degrees: When Will I See You Again?
Heart: Never
Love it!
Harsh but funny. It’s best to make a clean break of it!
Haha. Taking it to another level with these. Call and response song titles hadn’t crossed my mind. Some are very sweet and touching, some sad, some funny. All experiences welcome.
You guys are geniuses.
Who Do You Think You Are? – Bo Donaldson and The Heywoods
Go Away – Weezer
Whitney Houston: “Where Do Broken Hearts Go?”
Patsy Cline: “Crazy”
Pablo Cruise “Whatcha Gonna Do?”
Chubby Checker: “The Twist”
Lynyrd Skynyrd: “What’s Your Name?”
The Kinks: “Lola”
The Everly Brothers: “When Will I Be Loved”
Miss Piggy: “Never Before, Never Again”
Breathe: “How Can I Fall?”
The Pointer Sisters: “Jump”
Elvis Presley: “Are You Lonesome Tonight?”
Hank Williams, Jr.: “All My Rowdy Friends Are Coming Over Tonight”
Bing Crosby: “Brother, Can You Spare a Dime?”
Aretha Franklin: “Ain’t No Way”
Frankie Avalon: “Why?”
The Beatles: “Because”
On a roll, Link!
Chicago answers their own question:
Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?
25 or 6 to 4