When two small-screen icons traded scripts for studio time, and the results were pure 80s excess.
The Ballad Of Bruce And Don:
The mid 80s. A time when two heroes will rise. Heroes who will conquer the small screen and quickly set their sights on conquering the charts.
Bruce ‘Bruno’ Willis vs The Don Johnson.
Let’s take a look at their pedigree.
- After over a decade as a jobbing actor, Don Johnson was in his mid 30s when he struck gold in 1984 as Sonny Crockett in Miami Vice.
Bruce Willis didn’t have to wait as long for his break. Moonlighting came along in 1985 when Bruce was 30.
One was an undercover detective with an image that was flash, brash and flaunted it all.
There’s also a question of just how a detective sergeant could afford all those designer clothes and a Ferrari Testarossa.
Crooked cop on the take?
The other was a private detective with a wisecracking attitude:
And an image built on character rather than clothes.
Designer stubble was de rigueur, regardless. How any of that translates to pop prowess is debatable.
Will their vocals undo the allure of their handsome features?
Enough of the preliminaries. The combatants are in their corners ready to face the music.
Round 1
Both go with a tried and tested method of relying on a cover for their debut singles.
The source material offers very different approach though.
- Don goes with “Heartbeat:”
Originally recorded by Wendy Waldman and already covered by Helen Reddy.
Neither of which made any dent on the charts, so Don has a free run at imprinting his own style on it.
- Whereas Bruce:
Goes for a classic: The Staples Singers’ “Respect Yourself.”
Both peak at #5.
Round summary: Both fighters come out pumped up, giving it their best shots in the hope of scoring a quick knockout but find themselves evenly matched.
Round 2
Both of our fearless entertainers have formidable support in their corners.
Don has Harry Chapin, Willie Nelson, Bonnie Raitt, Ron Wood and Stevie Ray Vaughan appearing on the Heartbeat album.
- Bruce has the myriad talents of The Temptations, The Pointer Sisters, Siedah Garrett and Booker T Jones on The Return Of Bruno.
Round Summary: Another even round. The reputation and talents of the hired hands cover the limitations of our protagonists.
Round 3
Both convert their star power into elongated HBO promos:
The Don weaves the Heartbeat album into a narrative in which he’s a documentary film maker caught up in a bomb explosion.
This near death experience leading to a life flashing before him review of his existence. Shorn of this context, the video to Heartbeat is non more 80s.
Its incomprehensible. There’s explosions. There’s a beautiful woman.
There’s a guitarist (Dweezil Zappa!) shredding a squealing solo.
In amongst it all is Don, who you may think would be on safe ground with the acting part, but looks as out of his depth as the vocals.
Bruce takes a different documentary themed approach.
A mock rockumentary in which he plays Bruno Radolini, a legendary Forrest Gump type character who was there at every major juncture in popular music. Not that you’d know it from the “Respect Yourself” video.
He’s a bar tender daydreaming his nights away.
June Pointer shows up to take on the heavy lifting while the backing vocals also protect listeners from focusing on the limitations of his voice.
Round Summary: A tough one to score as neither convinces. 80s excess vanity projects is the order of the day. Throw more money at it – style over substance.
Round 4
A lull in proceedings as Bruce and Don opt for cautious circling.
Subsequent singles miss the target until Don delivers a low blow:
Using the star power of Babs to land one more Billboard top 40 hit.
Round Summary: A points deduction sees Bruce take the round at a pinch.
Round 5
Looking for assurances from further afield, Bruce dominates early:
Almost delivering a knockdown as “Under The Boardwalk” reaches #2 in the UK.
Don is shaken, but steadies himself and unleashes his own continental kapow. “Tell It Like It Is” takes him to #2 in Germany and top 10 in France and the Netherlands.
Round Summary: Don comes through an early barrage to dominate the round.
Round 6
The boys keep swinging. Demonstrating their star power:
- Don’s debut album Heartbeat peaks at #17 and is certified Gold.
- Whereas The Return of Bruno peaks at #14 and is certified Gold.
Round Summary: The margins are wafer thin, but Bruce sneaks this one.
Round 7
The boys keep swinging. But this time their unconvincing follow ups miss their mark.
Both release their second albums in 1989.
Don’s Let It Roll did not chart in the US. No. 2 in Germany though. Das ist gut, ja!
Bruce’s If It Don’t Kill You, It Just Makes You Stronger did not chart in the US. #9 in Finland though. Oi jes, team Helsinki!
Round Summary: A lot of weary circling but Don manages to unload an uppercut that has Bruce reeling.
Round 8
Both fighters taking punishment.
People Magazine said:
“The Return Of Bruno shows us that he (Willis) can’t shout songs quite as well as Don Johnson.”
A true backhanded compliment though. Who it’s actually favouring is debatable.
Allmusic:
- “Willis may deeply believe he has vocal talent, but the album stands more as a testament to the excesses of Reagan-era celebrity and baby-boomer nostalgia than as a piece of music”
- “Don Johnson is at best a competent singer.”
In a stunning development:
‘Bruno’ and ‘The Don’ simultaneously walk onto each other’s sucker punch and hit the canvas. Referee Casey Kasem counts them down and out. That’s it folks. Show’s over.
Amid Bruce and Don’s punch drunk appeals for another shot, music is declared the real loser.
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