Why Grades and Dream Schools Don’t Equal Happiness:

A Counselor’s Perspective

A high school equation that won’t work – and the gift that often does

This week begins my 15^th academic year as a school counselor.

My first was the 2011-12 school year.

In truth, I’ve been working for several weeks already as part of our school’s scheduling team, learning a new information system.

Thank goodness that only happens about once a decade – and making sure 2,700 students have eight classes they requested back in the spring.

(Despite our best efforts, we will be having conversations with students who want to make changes. Sometimes, the changes happen. Most often, they don’t. We try hard to be transparent and compassionate.)

As I think about what I learned in my master’s program in counselor education, I realize the one thing I don’t recall hearing – and what I wish I’d heard – was this:

Students are not the only people we serve. As a school counselor, we would be foolish to ignore their parents.

As awesome as our young people are…

… they are minors or, at most, young adults.

School counselors know we must involve parents in our plans to support our students, and we try a variety of ways to engage, respond and communicate with them our plans, goals and concerns.

When I talk with parents, I approach them as partners in a support team, not as clients.

In addition, I tend to refrain from advice unless directly asked. As I’ve mentioned before, I bristle at the term “guidance counselor” and find the most effective role in counseling to be that of supportive, active listener and facilitator of the student’s expressed desires.

Still…

Let’s say we’re at a party.

Someone says, “What one thing do you think would be most helpful for today’s young people?”

Or: “As a parent, how can I best support my student?”

I would say:

“Banish the ‘happiness equation.’”

What’s that?

The idea that the combination of the right courses + straight A’s = My dream school = My dream job = Lots of money = Success = Happiness.

I work at a highly competitive high school, so it’s possible that I encounter this mindset more than my colleagues in other environments. Still, I think it’s present to a certain degree everywhere. In the 21^st century, it feels inescapable.

It’s also unrealistic and flawed.

And the relentless pursuit of it leads to young people who burn themselves out before they set foot on a college campus.

….Often anxious, depressed or both – and wondering what they did wrong.

Let’s start from the conclusion. Regardless of party affiliation, anyone can see that our commander-in-chief has lots of money and, in a political sense at least, success. Does he strike you as happy?

I’ve never gotten that vibe from him.

Aside from 45/47, all one has to do is look at the lives of various entertainers, athletes and other folks with income of six or more figures – and look at the cautionary tales of overdoses, fatal accidents, even suicides.

The Beatles sang, “Money can’t buy me love.” It can’t buy happiness, either.

Sure, it’s true that a certain amount of money is necessary to meet the material necessities of living in modern society. But trying to put an exact dollar figure on what will make one happy is a fruitless task.

And the whole notion of “dream schools” is something that only lines the pockets of the establishments themselves.

The truth is, any campus can be the right one for students who have a particular vision for themselves – or even a personality flexible enough to learn whatever seems interesting and satisfying to them.

And not every job requires education beyond high school or a certificate in a particular trade.

So, can we back all the way to the start of the equation?

One does not have to have a certain set of courses and straight A’s to be successful or happy.

What traits are essential?

• Curiosity.
• Integrity.
• Engagement with people, ideas and experiences.
• Honesty.
• Flexibility.
• If at all possible, a sense of humor to cope with the challenges of life.

These will help adolescents more than any “happiness equation.”

On the bulletin board in my home office is a quote from a decades-old Ann Landers column.

I remember coming across it as a high school senior and being wowed by its truth:

“Love is a friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is a loyalty through good and bad. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses.

Love is content with the present, it hopes for the future, and it doesn’t brood over the past. It’s the day-in and day-out chronicle of irritations, problems, compromises, small disappointments, big victories and working toward common goals.

If you have love in your life, it can make up for a great many things you lack. If you don’t have it, no matter what else there is, it’s not enough.”

I come back to that quote often – not only as a reminder in my own life but when I think about broader contexts – love of family, of community, of nation – indeed, love of life.

At that party, if the vibe were right…

…say, the evening is winding down and we’re wrapping up the conversation…

I’d like to think I’d say some variation of this:

“If your child feels loved, and knows that wherever they go in life, they can count on your love, you’ve given them the best gift you can to build a life that’s successful by their own definition.”

Isn’t that what any of us wants?

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