AudioPhyles, Part 6: C-C-C-Cringes!

It’s been eight years since David Bowie passed away.

Not surprisingly, his legacy as an artist is related with the utmost respect.

Lost himself in the 80s…. but found himself again in the 90s.

All of this is true, sure. But it’s not the whole story!

Bowie was often hip, but only sometimes cool. Even at his coolest, Bowie had plenty of tasteless, silly, or cringeworthy moments. We need to honor the dorky dad side of Dave.

And this is where I come in:

Here are some key cringe selections in his collection.

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Perhaps the most infamous single from his early days, The Laughing Gnome is a goofy novelty tune featuring David doing squeaky sped-up vocals. 

The lyrics are filled with terrible gnome puns: 

“Don’t you have a gnome to go to?” / “No, we’re gnomads!”

It’s deeply uncool, fairly annoying, catchy as hell, and a whole lot of fun.

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After his first album was released, Bowie came across the Velvet Underground’s debut album. And it was a revelation for him.

So was this the moment of his artistic metamorphosis? The birth of his cool?

Maybe he would have liked you to think that. But his demo song The Little Toy Soldier suggests otherwise.

The song is built around parts of The Velvets’ A Venus in Furs, but its childlike gimmickry will leave you on your knees, begging for him to stop. Taste the whip and groan for young Dave.

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Wait, a Ziggy Stardust cut included on a list of cringey songs? Surely I jest!

But this is an earlier version of the song, from 1971. It sounds like a demo, but it was officially released as a single, albeit under the pseudonym Arnold Corns.

You can hear the Velvet Underground influence getting stronger, but David doesn’t know what to do with it. He just sounds mumbly and confused.

Needless to say, the single did not sell well. Let’s be thankful that he managed to turn this half-baked hippie turd into glam rock gold the very next year.

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Bowie famously turned to soul music on Young Americans in 1975, but his first impulse to do so came right after he broke up with the Spiders from Mars. He assembled a funky soul outfit centered around his girlfriend Ava Cherry, and he wrote a few songs for them.

Most of those songs are forgettable. I Am a Laser stands out for a few reasons. One, because it’s an early version of a song he would release in 1980: Scream Like a Baby. Two, because it’s a lot of fun. And three, because how many disco-soul songs are out there that reference golden showers?

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In 1974, Bowie wrote 1984 about an aging celebrity who’s washed up, but doesn’t know it.

His album Tonight was recorded in the actual year of 1984. And while there’s plenty on there to indicate that he knew he was washed up, a few songs suggest that his Diamond Dogs prophecy might have come true.

His cover of God Only Knows is a perfect mix of ambition, pointlessness, and a complete lack of good judgment. It’s almost impressive for how terrible it is.

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By 1987, Bowie was finally trying to get creative again. Or really, he was trying to try to get creative.

Never Let Me Down is a more engaging listen than the soul-suck of Tonight. Some of it’s even good.

Most of it perfectly encapsulates 80’s excess, and not in a good way.  Bowie tried to hide his lack of ideas in a clutter of flashy junk.

Perhaps no song represents this era better than its lead single, Day In Day Out. From its assault of production effects, to its out-of-touch “message” about a woman struggling, to its video with Bowie on roller skates, this thing is one big glittery stink bomb.

(I also kind of love it now…)

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The official story is that Bowie escaped his 80’s limbo by forming the hard rock group Tin Machine and getting back to the basics. There’s truth to that story, but it’s also true that Tin Machine was dismissed as an embarrassment.

Such a dismissal was not completely fair, as about half of their input was great. But the other half was either bland and forgettable, or quite memorably bad!

But then there’s stuff like A Big Hurt. Here, the bad is part of why it’s great. Quoth the Middle-Aged Duke: “Come on here, woo-woo. And kiss it for me!”

Need I say more?

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Nowadays, Bowie’s acid jazz period is seen with rose tinted sunglasses. Throughout the 90s, many fans and critics saw Bowie as an aging rocker hopping from fad to fad in a desperate attempt to stay relevant.

While the dismissive reactions ignored the excellent art pop side of his output during this time, current takes tend to ignore the clunkier and cornier stuff.

Look no further than the title track of Black Tie White Noise to see what I mean. I think this was an attempt to recreate the magic of “Under Pressure.” It’s a multipart pop epic with some premise of social commentary. And it’s a duet, this time featuring R&B star Al B Sure! 

It’s not at all a bad song. It’s just corny as hell.

I’m glad people can finally appreciate Black Tie cuts like the single “Jump They Say.” But we can’t forget that the same Bowie sang “yo, yo, yo” over a hip hop beat.

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In 1994, David Bowie reunited with Brian Eno, and they recorded an hour’s worth of some truly batty shit.

Ostensibly a murder mystery of sorts, yet coherence wasn’t the point. It was in fact a postmodern mish mash of sound effects, characters, and musical ideas. Only sometimes sounding like a song. This was Leon.

Not surprisingly, no record label would release this thing—and to date, the Leon sessions have never been officially released. Bowie took a few fragments from the sessions and put them into his 1995 album Outside, alongside a bunch of actual songs.

A few other Leon fragments made their way onto the internet over time, and then, shortly before Blackstar was released, someone had finally leaked Leon in its entirety.

Fans of Bowie should check out the whole 60-minute cycle. But if you just want to sample one track, go with “The Enemy is Fragile.” Bowie jumps from voice to voice throughout, going straight from a saturnine villain to a hard-boiled detective out of a Burroughs novel, veering from falsetto singing to a manic shout: “WHO WILL RID ME OF HIS SHAKING HEAD??!!” And then capping it all off with some ridiculous faux-opera singing.

As for me, I absolutely love this stuff. It is such a delight to hear Bowie going all-in on goofy and absurdist theater. As I said, there’s not much music going on, but he’s clearly having a lot of fun.

My twin brother, also a die-hard Bowie fan, cannot stand this thing. So, you have been warned.

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When I think of Bowie’s recorded output before his 10-year hiatus, I like to think of the closing track to Reality from 2003: the gorgeous, stately Bring Me the Disco King.

That’s a finale worthy of the man.

The more unfortunate reality is that Bowie released She Can Do That in 2005. For the soundtrack of the movie Stealth.

Notably, this was a collaboration with respected trance producer BT. Even more notably, the song and its production totally suck. Can a dance track be plodding? Sure can! And to add insult to injury, David styled the song’s title as “(She Can) Do That.”

Yes, he did that! The song’s main saving grace is that it doesn’t take itself seriously. And it is kind of catchy. Definitely campy. Maybe it’s Dave’s way of telling his fans: “You think you gnomey, but you have no idea…”

If so, point taken!

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Let’s not forget all of the quirks and wrinkles of Bowie’s career.

They’re part of what made him so lovable as an artist!

Do you have any more Cringe Bowie tracks to share? 

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