Behind The Music, tnocs.com Style: Seven Stories Of Seven Incredible (And Totally Made-Up) Bands

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Last week, we put out the call:

Collaboration Callout: Your “Improbable Band” Backstories

We wanted your stories about those awesome, yet completely non-existent bands that you know and love – from an original list graciously curated by our good buddy, Bill “Virgindog” Bois.

As ever: the creativity of the tnocs.com gang shines like the hot, oppressive, energy-draining and climactically change-effected sweltering summer sun.

And just for fun, we’ve added a little twist:

Ready? Join us, as we start with the tale of…

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Meme Juice

Ever thought about how “Weird Al” Yankovic made enough parody songs about food to cover an entire album?

Meme Juice took the concept way, way further.

Lasting only during the month of March 2006, the trio’s entire shtick was based on misheard lyrics from popular songs that had to do with food and drink. Their members were Andre 3000 lookalike lead singer/bassist “Dough,” Dave Navarro lookalike guitarist “Pickles,” and Vinnie Paul lookalike drummer “Wok.”

They didn’t have any hits, given that they weren’t even known beyond their Brooklyn home. But they seemed to bring their shtick to a new dive bar every day, making them legendary within the area.

They did all the requested parodies, such as: the Led Zeppelin-themed “You Need Kool-Aid,” but also thought of unique ideas, such as creating a parody of RATM’s “Bombtrack” about a donut shop organizer.

They weren’t restricted to pop songs (“Corn on the Cob“), and they occasionally made songs about other things you put in your mouth (“Ricola“).

Unfortunately, they decided to break up when they realized their act was one-note.

Special thanks to the website You’re the Man Now Dog for inspiring this capsule.

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• You say you’re Jonesin’ for some sweet vocals – yet logically performed? Presenting:

Strategic Harmonies

The members of Strategic Harmonies met while attending Grand Detour State University, when they were all rejected by the same fraternity, Alpha Sigma Sigma.

Inspired by resentment and a mutual love of singing,  they composed an a capella diss track, “Crack that A.S.S. Up,” to the tune of Juvenile’s “Back That Azz Up” that they performed nightly outside the frat house, until a restraining order was filed. 

They decided to continue singing together, with the very niche goal of becoming the top parody a capella group on campus. They soon embarked on an ambitious project of creating and recording  a capella parodies of every song to have topped the Hot 100 from 1958 to the present. A sampling:

• “Ostriches Attack” 

• “Abra’s Cadaver” (Somebody reached out and stabbed her)

• “Because You Shoved Me,” with its immortal chorus:

“You had no time to get to work,
So you just had to be a jerk,

And push me right out of your way,
So you could catch the southbound train.

I landed right onto the tracks.
An express train ripped me right in half. 

I died a gruesome death:

Because you shoved me.”

The 275 songs they uploaded to YouTube received very little attention – until they posted an hour-long video of a man sitting on a toilet with a medley of “Don’t Hurry,  Be Crappy” and “Dump” (to the tune of Van Halen’s “Jump“) playing on repeat. 

The video went viral. And the man, dubbed by the press as “Potty Animal” became an overnight sensation, while the music was mostly forgotten. Potty Animal eventually parlayed his 15 minutes of fame into becoming a spokesperson for incontinence.

Strategic Harmonies recorded a few more songs and eventually disbanded, after a lawsuit was filed and it was revealed that they had recorded the man without his knowledge or permission.

Sadly, all five members are currently dead or in prison.

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• And from across the (popover-littered) pond, it’s:

Muffin Walloper

Muffin Walloper guitarist Callum Finster doesn’t look as he spreads clotted cream on his scone. He maintains eye contact with his interviewer as he explains that the adage about Britain and America being separated by a common language is, for him, personal.

“It’s a scone, innit? It’s hefty and masculine and needs a strong name. We reckon giving it a sissy name like ‘muffin’ is an insult to our heritage.” The scone crumbles as he takes his first bite. “It’s a scone, and we’ll bloody well call it a scone.”

“People think we’re takin’ the mick but we’re quite serious,” says Finster’s bandmate, drummer Fergus “Blockhead” Cornick. “Americans have ruined the language. They’re running around wearing their ‘pants’ on the outside!” He puts air quotes around the word “pants,” referencing that in the UK it means underwear.

Finster washes down his scone with a gulp of tea. “That’s right, ‘muffin,’ ‘pants,’ ‘squash….’”

Cornick snorts. “‘Squash! It’s a gourd, mate. Get it right.”

“What we want is an end to the baby talk our language has turned into,” Finster continues. “We want to wallop those weak words right out of the vocabulary. That’s why we’re Muffin Walloper.”

The last member of the trio, bassist Hugh Taylor-Davies doesn’t voice his opinion. In fact, he doesn’t say much of anything. “I’m just happy to be in a band.”

The interviewer points out that both scones and muffins exist in the US and pulls up a picture of a blueberry muffin on his phone. “This is a muffin in the US,” he says, “and this is a scone.”

“That’s the same as here!” Finster says. “What’s the thing we call different?”

“Cookies vs. biscuits?”

“That’s it! ‘Cookie.’ What a namby-pamby word.”

“Hang on,” says Cornick. “Is that why me mum said we should be Cookie Walloper?”

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• Direct from an alternate universe, it’s sorta-Paul Harvey, with the story of…

Rattlejaw

In 2013: Guitarist Conrad “Conky” Yerxa, bassist Drake Dreier, pianist Kendrick Fredericks and drummer Hugh Howe began working together as a group in New Smyrna Beach, Florida. Their sound clicked immediately. But a band name didn’t.

The boys knew they wanted something distinctive and memorable that would reflect both their sound and their heritage. That was a tall order. 

You see, their hard rocking music meant they wanted something in their name that represented an intimidating fierceness, like lions, tigers, tonsillectomies and fruitcake. Yet they wanted to connect it with their hometown as well.

They were familiar with groups that used names associated with where they were based, like Chicago, Alabama, New York City and many others. But “New Smyrna Beach” not only lacked power, it would also make people think that they did surf music.

Plus, how many people knew how to spell or pronounce Smyrna?

As they brainstormed ideas, Corky noted their beach was known as “The Shark Bite Capital of the World” due to many attacks by the finned creatures. But Hugh dismissed the name “Shark Bite” as too on the nose. Or on the snout, if you prefer.

Drake suggested that they keep the animal in mind and combine it with something else strong for a unique moniker. “You know, like the Sharknado movies!” he said.

“I’ll be damned if we’re going to call this Sharknado!” glared Kendrick.

“Well, of course not!” responded Drake. “I mean something that, when combined with a shark, would make us sound really ferocious. We’d have the New Smyrna connection along with a threatening aura to make us stand out.”

Hugh piped up and said, “You know, when I was a kid, my dad showed me his old 1970s cartoons collection. There was one that really scared me that had this talking lead character, what was his name? Oh yeah, Jabberjaw! 

He added, “I mean, it’s silly now… but when I saw it, it really freaked me out!”

“I am not going to be on stage playing with a group called Jabberjaw!” snapped Kendrick.

“Well, of course, we can’t use that since it’s probably trademarked,” interjected Conky. “Still, I like the concept of adding a shark with something else to make us look awesome. Let’s think about what might work.”

After 15 minutes of free association that went nowhere, the guys took a break to see what was on TV. As they channel surfed, they came across the 1981 film Escape from New York, which intrigued them to watch.

Not too far into the movie, Hugh wondered about the name of the lead character. “The guy is named Snake?? Isn’t that a little generic? I mean, if I wanted to come across as a badass, I’d be more specific and call myself something like Copperhead or Rattlesnake.”

Conky perked up when he heard that statement and exclaimed, “That’s it!”

“What’s it, ‘Shark Snake?!’ ” snarled Kendrick. “Again, if that’s what you guys want, count me out of here!”

“No, no, not that!” responded Conky. “How about ‘Rattlejaw’ instead? Two of the most venomous creatures combined into one rocking band!”

They all looked at each other, and this time, even Kendrick had no beef with it.

So, that’s how the group that gave us such hits as “Try That in a Midsized Metropolis,” “Treat Me As If I Were Your Underwear,” and “Does This Look Infected?” got its name.

And now, you know the rest of the story.

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• Tell me why… we never heard again from…

Beef Pivot

The end of short-lived boy band anomaly Beef Pivot has been announced to little notice. Their footnote in pop history is as much a part of the story of their old school svengali; Scoots Bassoon. 

Scoots: the 70s holdover. A man who saw Elton John’s drug intake as a challenge to be conquered and Elton’s subsequent cleaning up as a betrayal. 

Beef Pivot were his last attempt at proving he wasn’t all washed up. The name alone is evidence of why he didn’t succeed at that. 

Scoots reckoned he had spotted a gap in the market. Seeing the crossover success of Dwayne Johnson, John Cena and Dave Bautista, Scoots thought he could apply the formula to the Hot 100.

Except, being a relic of yesterday, there was no way any WWE star was going to sign onto this tilt at a windmill. Instead, Scoots dredged through the bodybuilding scene to come out with 5 slabs of machismo to hang his idea on. They might not have the cache of The Rock (or even the vocal abilities) but the physique wasn’t far off.

He pulled out some memorable names alright, just instead of WWE superstars we got;

• Louche Shambala 
• Oscar Slacks 
• Nix Loquacious 
• Blayze Meldrop 
• Arturo Ganache

Onto that name, where the hell did Beef Pivot come from? 

Scoots explained; “Beef because they bring the flavour and they’re 1,200 pounds of pure American beefcake. Pivot because I’m going to move how society views them, from five steroid filled husks with pecs you can crack a walnut on, to boys that can sing their way into the hearts of every woman.”

Though in private he admitted he had no idea; “Who the f*** knows? I was as high as a space shuttle on ketamine and quaaludes when I came up with it.”

What about the music? With a nod to the steroids Scoots called it New Jacked Up Swing. In Scoots mind controversy equaled column inches. These buffed up singers were to service the needs of the woman who looks at the 130 pound let down she’s stuck with and thinks ‘I need some meat on that twinkie.’

The song names give a hefty nod to what they were about. The tracklisting for You Want Beef With That? reads like a horndog fever dream:

• 1. Staking My Claim
• 2. Tenderise Me
• 3. Grazin’ On Your Love
• 4. Lick My Longhorn
• 5. Tan My Hide 
• 6. Steer That Rump All The Way Back Up
• 7. The Meat Cute
• 8. It’s All (About My) Gravy

The lyrics were so on the nose they went straight past suggestive, to an explicit written demand. 

They were described by one magazine as ‘pure filth,’ while out in the heartlands they didn’t land well. On a promo tour of Jamba Juice outlets, Mayor Jock Lock-Popping of Moose Droop, Wisconsin said, “That’s not the kind of thing we want to see or hear round here.”

Despite the typical Scoots hyperbole and idiosyncracies, describing the talent of his charges as; “So far round the corner they come all the way back again” the world wasn’t buying it. 

Standalone single ‘Pump It Til The Milk Runs Dry’ was banned in 39 states and failed to chart anywhere except a #37 placing on local radio in Broken Spurt, Idaho. You Want Beef With That? was met with a sales killing contrast of total radio silence and gleeful derision.   

Any hope of pulling it round was ended by Scoots recent arrest on a bewildering range of charges including:

• Tax Fraud
• Ingesting of illegal substances in the houseware aisle of a Piggly Wiggly
• DUI while driving a golf cart on I90
• Transportation of miners across state lines
• And the abduction of three lions, a cheetah and penguin from a private zoo.

The lions and cheetah were returned. The penguin is missing, and presumed eaten. 

With Scoots in lockup awaiting trial the members of Beef Pivot made the inevitable decision to return to the obscurity from whence they came. Though ‘return’ makes a false suggestion they actually left it. 

So long then, Beef Pivot: Your place as an annotation in history is assured. 

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• And here’s The Oral History That You Didn’t Know You Needed But Did, in re:

Sensitivity Cape (Extract)

…’Warbling’ Seamus Globhieffel: One day, we were sitting around the still-warm burned-out remains of (legendary roadie Jules) Klebb’s ‘67 Rambler and harmonizing across rearranged versions of Warforghian folk songs-

Jimmy Gladfoots: No, you were singing Warforghian folk songs. Badly, I might add. The rest of us were working out that countrified version of ‘Baby Elephant Walk’ (manager Barry) Lamplit thought would get us some label attention.

Globheiffel: Well, that’s how I remember it. 

Barry Lamplit: I’m sorry, what?

Henri Guise: Can someone get me a pack of Camels?

Pedro Ganglime: I still hate you all, and here’s some subpoenas. You’ll be expected in court next Tuesday in the matter of Ganglime vs. the other members of Sensitivity Cape, charged with emotional cruelty and general malfeasance. And by the way, Sensitivity Cape is still a stupid name! Everybody knows you put “Cape’ in front of the name of the cape. 

Gladfoots: (aside, to Ganglime) I thought we were suing everybody else.

Ganglime: (equally aside) No, that was the last one.

Guise: I always called it ‘Sensitivity Cape’. We used to play ‘Riptide Chicken’ there. (Wheezes heavily) Hey, I need a smoke!

Globheiffel: No, yeah, he’s right. Cape Cod. Cape Canaveral. Cape of Good Hope. Cape Crusader. Cape first.

Gladfoots: It was just the name of a local beach! It’s not like the people around town were cartographers or anything.

Guise: What about peninsulas? Iberian Peninsula, Yucatán Peninsula, Kenai Peninsula. Those names are all up front.

Lamplit: What are we talking about?

Guise: (coughs)

Ganglime: We weren’t named after a peninsula. It should have been Cape Sensitivity.

Globheiffel: Well, I went along with it because I thought it was ‘Sensitivity Camp.’ It sounded like a nice place to visit.

Gladfoots: (paging through the subpoena) Wait, I never called you ‘a bassist of little renown and less taste.’ I may have thought it…

Ganglime: Tell it to the judge.

Guise: (more coughs, spits phlegm)

Lamplit: What’d you say?…

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• And last but not least, can we get some pachydermal love for…

The Shrunken White Elephants of Style

It was 1999 and five journalism-school buddies were jamming at a local open mic on the final night of the National College Media convention.

The five — all from rival universities — declared that if the novelists of the Rock Bottom Remainders could catch on with concert audiences, so could they. But they wanted a name that would catch the eye of the most jaded music critic.

The drummer, copy desk chief for Purdue University’s Exponent, carried Strunk and White’s Elements of Style wherever he went. And when their guitarist noticed it, he proposed naming their quintet The Shrunken White Elephants of Style.

Within months, these students got buzz among the bar and college circuit. As 2000 rolled around, the Elephants were on the cusp of success…

Until the Clear Channel radio network banned their Bush v. Gore track “Hanging Chads,” calling it both violent and sexually explicit. 

The Elephants tried to regroup with a remake of Fleetwood Mac’s “Tusk.” But when their lead singer and keyboard player found the lure of Silicon Valley jobs too tempting, they disbanded.

Outtakes from a never-released album have shown up on YouTube and Spotify. And rumor has it a TikTok user will repurpose “Hanging Chads” for this fall’s election.

Let all of the imaginative authors know that you liked their stories with a “Green Thumb” Upvote! 

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